The hours while James was gone were some of the hardest Edward had ever lived through. A headache brewing, he skipped lunch before he and Bella went upstairs to wait in the living room. There was so much he wanted to say, but the words remained jumbled in his head and wouldn't fall out of his mouth. His wife was devastated, and he couldn't help feeling completely responsible. Quinn was an adult, he'd made an adult decision, and yet Edward would take full blame for what they now faced.
"I fucked up, Bella. It's on me for not insisting he stay." His heart strangled in his chest at the broken expression on her face.
"You can't take on the weight of the world. I thought we learned that lesson." Bella's tone was weary, and maybe she was too tired to argue. She’d tried to do the same before, when the actual world was at stake. It was his job to cheer her on from behind the scenes while pretending they hated each other in public. After all the therapy sessions, she’d come to terms with the idea that they had to shoulder the blame equally, and take responsibility in the same manner.
It had taken time for them to restore their relationship, that was for sure. Once bound, they'd never give up the whole, but stitching back the torn pieces had proven to be a monumental task. The effort would always be worth it, but the idea of going through it again dragged at him. How could he give up a lifetime of conditioning, knowing he was the one to drag them into the type of life they once led, and that he was at fault for the mafia war and the revenge aimed at them all? When shit went south, it was Edward who stepped up to the plate, as he’d been taught. Accepting that he couldn't fix everything had been hard, but it seemed he hadn’t learned that lesson after all.
Up until the mission several years ago, Quinn had been steadfast and earnest in all his endeavors. There’d been no doubt in anyone’s mind that he would join the legitimate family company and roast fine coffee for the bookstore. He would join Emmett and Edward in their new venture, the one that kept them safe from harm and the constant possibility of incarceration. Quinn had a head for numbers, but it turned out that wasn't what he wanted to do with his life.
Something had changed in him, and there was nothing anyone could do about it.
That first kill affected everyone in different ways. For Edward, it had brought a sense of power, bloodlust, and the knowledge that he could prove his capabilities to his father. Bella’s first kill had scared her, but it had also brought her inner strength to light. Quinn had been surprised to learn he was good at it, and that there were other options open to him. Though he was retired, James Holden fed his aspirations and showed him it was a viable career path, despite everyone’s protests. It was tough not to hate James for it, especially since they had never become friends.
In the end, Quinn’s life was his to lead. That was—and always would be—Edward and Bella’s parenting belief, but it didn't make it any easier to watch him leave. And it wasn't the cop/criminal aspect Edward hated. No, it was knowing they’d lived through, suffered with, and moved away from danger, but there Quinn was, running toward it and embracing it with arms wide open. Even during training, Quinn had not been allowed to contact his family. Edward often questioned what part of his childhood he’d fucked up, what issues Quinn worked through as an adult that would make him seek attention and praise from an outside source. Then again, maybe it was presumptuous to assume Quinn’s decisions had anything to do with his parents.
Layla wouldn't tell him, but she hated his choice; though she, too, felt he had the right to at least give it a try. But they'd all underestimated how difficult it would be. When he was deep in a mission, as he had been from the start, Quinn couldn't exactly call home and chat about his day. No one had heard from him in so long it was hard to believe everything was okay. For Layla, for their baby, it felt unfair of him to disappear without a trace. She’d remained strong, and both sets of parents chipped in whenever they could. It was harder than they anticipated.
Collectively, they grieved him as though he were already dead. Parents weren't meant to outlive their children, and over time, Edward wasn't sure which was easier. Pretending he was dead so he could grieve and move on, or holding onto the hope that his son was utilizing all his training and would come back home to them safe and sound. Especially if it meant having his hopes dashed on a rock like a melon dropped from great heights the way it had happened with that morning’s phone call.
“He’s coming.” Bella’s voice was low, clogged with the tears she’d unendingly shed since James departed their house. “I don't think I can take this.”
Her voice had dropped to a whisper, and Edward was positive she hadn’t meant for him to hear her last statement.
Waiting by the front door, Edward watched James pull up the grand circular drive and put his car in park. Though they’d had little need for communication in the intervening years, Edward knew the man had kept tabs on the Cullen family. They’d promised to stay out of the illegalities of the mafia, and they’d kept that promise.
What Eleazar did for a living was none of Holden’s concern.
James didn't appear to have aged a day in the past four years, unbuttoning his suit coat and casually tucking his hand in his pocket as though he hadn't dropped a bomb on their house just that morning. “I have a lot to say. Is everyone ready?”
In lieu of a response, Edward closed the front door and led the way to the basement. Bella followed; the others were already down there waiting. Layla had taken Aerinn to Leah, who would care for her granddaughter as long as necessary, and then she'd come back with her father to hear the plan. Idly, Edward wondered whether his daughter-in-law thought she’d join them in Afghanistan. He sincerely hoped not.
“Feels like a family reunion,” James commented as he closed and locked the heavy steel door behind him. At his gesture toward the perimeter of the ceiling, Edward nodded in response. They were prepared to speak openly about classified information in the fortified space.
“What’s the plan?” Jasper asked.
“Right to it, okay.” Holden withdrew a cell phone from his suit pocket and rested it on the coffee table. “We have a team ready to assist you in getting back into fighting shape. All of you need to reset your minds from whatever it is you’re currently doing back into stone-cold killer mode.”
“Oh, goody, more agency sanctioned murder sprees.” Emmett shifted, throwing his arm over Rosalie’s shoulders. “Weapons cache, money, ammo, tactical gear . . . let’s see. Am I missing anything?”
“Men. That's what you’re missing. My team consists of seven highly trained retired military, now turned mercenaries. The only reason I’m allowing your asses on the plane is because it’s your family member and I owe you for what went down in D.C. Consider this a professional courtesy.”
“Is it true the assholes you work for don't plan on rescuing the captured agents?” Maria asked.
James raised his eyebrows. “It’s too dangerous.”
Jake scowled. “And yet, you’re patting us on the back and sending us over there as though it’s no big deal.”
“If you want your son-in-law back alive, then yes.”
Layla made a choking sound, and Jake rubbed her back. “Obviously, we do.”
“Good, cause it’s all set up, and there’s no backing out now. Say your prayers and pack your shit for Colorado, where Commander Namron will see to it that you don't die over there in Taliban country. Hopefully.”
Bella sighed. “Will you be coming to this desert sanctuary with us?”
“Yes.”
“Great,” she muttered.
Wryly, James laughed. “Listen, I know we aren’t best friends. But I do feel responsible for Quinn, and I want to bring him back home as much as you do. Intel gathering for a new agent should be harmless, but not when you’re sent to Afghanistan right off the bat. The only reason he was chosen is because he’s just that good. As of the last communication with our military base out there, he’s still alive, so let’s work together to keep him that way.”
“I don't like this.” Extracting herself from under her father's arm, Layla stood toe to toe with James. “You've been sitting at home going soft, scratching your ass and binging Netflix, while my husband risks his life doing a job you gave up on. Why should I trust you now?”
“You shouldn't.” Dismissing her, he flicked a glance around the room. “Any other questions?”
Layla stalked to the far corner of the room, and Jake followed her.
Studying her manicure, Rose asked in a bored voice, “Will there ever be a time you aren’t an insufferable dick?”
“Probably not.”
“I’m bringing Seamus in on this. Maybe the others.” Though the whiskey tempted him, Edward refrained from pouring any. For now. “They’ll want to help, and we probably need the manpower.”
“Fine with me, but let’s keep it to those I’ve worked with in the past.”
Edward nodded. "Done."
"It's not a tea party, it's a covert rescue mission. If someone wants to play Rambo, they do it on their own time. Now is the time to speak up if you can't hack it."
"Layla will stay with her mom and Aerinn," Jake said from his daughter’s side. "And I don't think any women except Bella are coming. And the rest of us can fucking hack it, I promise."
“Ben is pretty much retired these days, or he's playing stay at home dad, whatever.” Pinching the bridge of his nose, Edward said to hell with it and poured a glass. “No offense to any of your guys, but I'd feel more comfortable with my own computer genius. So Dara will come.”
"Sure. Anyone else? We're not trying to hurry this along or keep it top secret or anything."
Not so long ago, Edward would have pointed his gun in Holden's face for a smartass comment like that. Now, he didn't have one on him. "Considering the secrets I carry for you on a daily basis, I suggest you watch your mouth while you're standing in my home."
"Same old Cullen." Holden clapped his hands with glee. "I've got places to be and mercs to wrangle. See to it the Irish find their way here ASAP."
“Just so we’re clear,” Edward said to the room once Holden left. “It was never on my bucket list to take on the motherfucking Taliban.”
“We’ll do what we’ve always done,” Emmett said. “Kick ass first and take names later.”
“I would never ask any of you—”
“You’re not asking,” Jasper interrupted. “We’re volunteering.”
“We have all the information available to us, and we’re making that choice,” Maria added. “I won't lie and say I’m thrilled to see my husband going to fight terrorists in the middle east, but it has to be done.”
“If it was Andrew, I’d expect no less in return.” Jasper rested his hand on Edward’s shoulder. “Just because they’re grown doesn’t mean they’re no longer our children.”
“I know.” Edward returned the gesture, and he and Jasper stood locked for a moment. “I can’t promise everyone will come back alive, and that scares the fuck out of me.”
“No one ever said life was a carousel ride.” Pecking Edward on the cheek, Rose reached for Emmett’s hand and made her way to the stairs. “There’s no more noble way to die than in place of a loved one.”
It wasn't long before it was just Edward and Bella alone again. The house above them creaked, and Bella sank silently onto the couch, her head in her hands.
“My biggest fear . . .” Trailing off, Edward poured a drink. “What if this is feeding my darkness? What if I can never get away from the blood and the death, the destruction, because my soul craves it?”
Lifting her head, Bella stared at him.
With a dry chuckle, he downed the whiskey and poured more. “If there’s nothing inside me that’s pure and innocent, how can you love me despite it all?”
“I just do,” she whispered.
“I’m honest enough to tell you I don't care if it’s right or wrong. If our love is a sin, I’ll pay penance for the rest of my godforsaken life to hold on to it.”
Rising, she crossed the space between them. “If that’s the case, I’ll thank the devil himself for giving you to me.”
“The caveat is, I don't want our children paying for our sins.”
“There’s nothing we can change now.” Fitting herself against him, Bella buried her head in his chest. “We can only fight together.”
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