Ward
Whatever I’d thought the day would bring, this wasn’t it. Pacing my tiny apartment after walking Heidi, I tried to figure out what to do next. Bella deserved to know everything about me, and I had intended to tell her, eventually.
Just not right now. Not when the memory was still too fresh in my soul, too terrible to speak of out loud.
If the stranger in the store had scared her, maybe it was someone with ill intentions. Or perhaps she was jittery because I’d made her that way. Dropping into her peaceful life like some kind of bomb, I’d blown up her life’s plans. The fact that she put up with me, that she loved me despite my flaws, never ceased to amaze me. And I would do my best to protect her from my past, to figure out how to live a life that didn’t include constantly looking over our shoulders. I was committed to that, and to her.
But this . . .
I needed someone to speak to, and I didn’t know who would listen to my rambling without judging me. Usually, that would be Bella, but who did I go to when I needed advice about how to talk to her?
One name came to mind first: Riley.
Riley had a naturally understanding soul. She might as well be Bella’s biological mother, for all the similarities they shared. Sure, they had opposing characteristics too, but Riley must have taught Bella the quiet patience she shared with me.
The weight on my chest drove me out my front door, and I set out on a walk. Riley and Jason lived far enough I should have driven, but that wasn't an option. I just hoped one of them was home when I got there.
The blue Victorian I’d only seen once loomed in the distance at the top of a hill. Living here had kept up the amount of walking I used to do on the streets, but I was still out of breath when I reached the hilltop.
Goats bleated in the near distance, and I glanced around the side of the house to see Riley milking one. Feeling foolish, I knocked on the gate and called out.
Looking up, Riley frowned quickly before covering that expression with a smile. “Ward! Come on in the gate, dear.”
With my heart in my throat, I pushed through the gate and latched it behind me.
“What brings you here?”
Yes, what did bring me here? Impulse? “I need someone to talk to.”
“Well, certainly.” Patting her goat on the back, Riley pulled off her gloves and set them aside. Watching me walk closer, she tilted her head. “Need a hug?”
How did she know? “I don’t particularly like being touched.”
“That’s fine.”
And yet, my heart seemed to weep at the thought of missing out on the human contact. “I think I would like a hug, though. If that’s okay?”
Silently, she crossed the grass and pulled me close. Smelling of fresh air and some sort of light perfume, Riley made me feel like a young boy again. As if my mother comforted me, or the figure she represented when I was little and had injured myself. When a bruised ego and scraped knee were easily fixed with a hug and a bandage.
This wound couldn't be patched with a Band-aid and a popsicle.
“What’s going on, Ward?”
Staring hard at the stretch of water beyond her yard, I tried to form words. “I fucked up.”
With a tsking sound, Riley took my hand and urged me to sit on the grass beside her. “Let’s try earthing for a few moments.”
“What the fu-udge is earthing?”
Riley laughed boisterously, and I couldn't help smiling in return. “It’s a therapeutic technique that reconnects us to nature. We’re asking the earth to share its grounding energy with us.”
And Bella said Riley wasn’t a hippie. “I guess it can’t hurt.”
“Sure can’t.”
Silence surrounded us, interrupted at regular intervals by a buoy clanging in the distance. As I settled, I could also hear the waves lapping at the shore. A warm breeze ruffled my hair, and I inhaled the briny sea air. Goats wandered freely, climbing on rocks and butting into each other. It was serene, and I knew I’d made a solid choice coming here.
“Now. How can I help you?” Riley folded her hands in her lap, her shoulder angled a foot away from me so we didn’t accidentally touch.
“Bella asked me something personal.” Gulping down air, I tried desperately not to freak out again.
“Stop for a minute and reground yourself, Ward.”
When I stopped talking, stopped allowing stupid thoughts to revolve in my head, I felt more at peace. “She’s amazing, Riley. More than I could have ever expected to find in a woman.”
“I’ll agree to that.”
“Then why can’t I tell her this one thing?”
I felt Riley's gaze on the side of my face. “If it’s traumatic, Ward, then it has to be difficult to think about, much less speak of it.”
“I've told her everything else.” My palms felt itchy, and I pressed them into the grass. “Every idiotic thing I’ve done, all the sordid details of my past. And yet . . .”
“And yet, this one sticks in your craw?”
How could this woman who hardly knew me speak so nonjudgmentally? “You’ve raised an outstanding woman. I can see where she gets it from.”
“If you’re trying to flatter me, it’s working.”
I smiled briefly. “No, but it’s the truth.”
“All I ever tried to do was help shape her into who she’s meant to be.”
A tear hovered over my lower lash, and I swatted it away in frustration. “My parents stopped speaking to me.”
“Oh dear.”
“My sister stood by my side, but I had to leave her behind. For her safety; for mine. And I hate it. I hate dragging Bella into my mess and asking her to understand why I can’t admit what happened to me.”
“Sweetheart, you can’t drag my daughter into anything. If she willingly fell in love with you, as I know she did, you can’t take that back from her. If you’re not ready to tell her what she needs to know, then at least tell her why.”
It was too fucking difficult for me, that’s why. How hard I’d worked to suppress those memories was still fresh in my mind. The effort to be more than my past had nearly killed me.
“Prison broke me, Riley." I suppose if she hadn't known the truth about me before, she did now. "Not cleanly, not in two neat pieces I could glue back together. But in jagged, horrible shards. I’m afraid of cutting her on those edges, of injecting too much of my tragedy into her heart. Her perfect, beautiful heart.”
My lungs labored then, air whistling in and out as I failed to regulate my breathing. Riley rested her hand on my back, sitting silently beside me.
“What do I do?” I choked, shoveling my hands through my hair.
“I can’t tell you what to do, sweetheart. That’s a decision you have to make on your own. But what I can tell you is that my daughter is tougher than you might think. She can deal with whatever it is, and maybe she can help you heal.”
“God, she’s helped me so much already. I feel like such a selfish bastard—sorry.”
“Don't worry about me, Ward.” Patting my back, she said, "Have you considered therapy?"
"I had therapy in prison." And medical treatment and my masculinity stolen. "I can't say it helped."
With no one to blame for the way the system sucked, I was left blaming myself. Losing self-respect, dignity, and plenty more.
"Taking care of the threat looming over your head might help ease your mind. And there's always the water. You might be surprised how freeing the ocean can be."
Bella had said much the same once, but she’d also talked about how it could steal your happiness from you in an instant. “I’m just scared, Riley. Terrified of losing her, of losing this town, and the contentment I’ve finally found.”
“My sweet child, you can’t lose us. You may not realize it, but you’re embedded in this town as much as we are in you. It’s how we work around here.”
“Thank you,” I whispered. I had nothing else to say for the moment.
“Since I try to be honest in my life, I need to disclose to you that Bella called me the minute you left Bookish.”
Of course she did.
“She’s concerned about you, but she didn't explain what happened between you. There was mention of a man . . .”
“I didn't see him, so I don’t know who it was.” Some sick, twisted fucker looking for me by stalking Bella would be the end of me. There’s no way I could handle the threat to her, and I would have to leave. That was the last thing I wanted. “I hope it was a fluke.”
“As do we all.” Spreading her hands over the back of a goat who nibbled the grass close to our feet, Riley hummed for a second. “Bella respects you.”
Out of everything, why did that shock me to the core? Why did that send tears to my eyes, just when I thought I’d rid myself of them? “God, why? What respectful thing have I done?”
The goat climbed into Riley’s lap, and she winked at my frown. “My daughter doesn’t kiss and tell, Ward, but there are some things a mother knows without being told. You treat her with respect, and she reciprocates those feelings.”
Oh my Lord, she knows I’ve fucked her little girl. “Ms—Riley—I—”
“Too late to get flustered now. I know you’re knockin’ boots, and that’s okay. You’re both full grown, and you’re careful. Right?”
Shit. Fuck. “Yes, ma’am.” I felt like a randy teenager getting a talking-to about condoms and pregnancy scares from his first girlfriend’s parents.
“My point is, she loves you no matter what. If this issue takes a while to sort itself out, she’ll still love you in the end.”
And all the tightness in my chest loosened. “I feel like I’ve stumbled onto a miracle.”
“I’m pleased your feelings are aimed at my youngin’. She deserves a man like you.”
“Doesn’t she deserve someone better than me?” I mumbled.
“Nope.” At her succinct reply, I glanced over. “You’re perfect for each other. Don’t forget that.”
“How can I repay your kindness, Riley?” I had nothing. Nothing to give, nothing to show for myself. One woman already accepted that about me, and now I was asking her mother to be okay with that too.
“Lord have mercy, sweetheart, I’m not kind because I expect reciprocity.”
Nodding, I said, “That blows my mind, I suppose. Where I come from, every deed—good or bad—was accounted for and paid back in the same manner. We only get what we deserve.”
“And you, my sweet boy, deserve the same happiness as everyone else.”
Shoving to my feet, I looked down at her. “Can I have a hug before I leave?”
I felt stupid for asking, but she smiled so brightly, nudging the goat away and accepting my outstretched hand. As though I was doing her a favor and not the other way around, she hugged me tight enough and long enough that I almost thought all my troubles could fade if we stood there for another minute.
But I needed to speak with Bella. To set things right, even if I couldn't explain my reaction. Riley offered to drive me into town, but I declined. I had a feeling I knew where Bella would be, now that it was late enough for the bookstore to close.
So I headed down the hill to the shoreline, shuffling through the sand and watching gulls dip into the sea before rising once again on the air currents. I’d almost brought Heidi along, but I knew I needed to focus on myself for a bit; she would have enjoyed watching the birds. The water helped calm me, even from a distance, if only because it was so serene. Very few clouds dotted the sky, and the heat of the day was relieved by the occasional breeze. This town was a personal paradise, and I loved it already.
Finding her at the railing where we’d run into each other on that first day, I walked forward with my hands in my pockets. Wordlessly, I kept going until I could sweep her into my arms, cradling her head against my shoulder. Bella made no sound, no protest, but she wrapped her arms around my waist and clung to me. This was where I wanted to be. Where I needed to be.
Thank God Bella felt the same.
“I’m sorry,” I said, but she shushed me.
Pulling back enough to see my face, she said, “I don't want you to be sorry. I just want you to know how much I love you, no matter what happened.”
“I promise to tell you when I can. It’s just so—so fucking hard.” My mouth went dry, my arms trembled, and I had to pull her close again.
“I shouldn't have pushed.” Stroking her hands along the back of my shirt, she hugged me tightly. “I love you, Ward.”
“That’s all that matters.”
Whatever tomorrow brings, at least we have that.
Nice house.
ReplyDeleteGreat pics.