The second the McCartys left, I felt nervous. Butterflies waged a war in my gut as I stood looking out the back door. I’d heard the front door open and close, and footsteps going up the stairs. The pipes groaned inside the walls as he turned on the shower, and my mind wandered back to thoughts of what he would look like naked. To distract myself, I watched Rusty shuffle off across the yard and smiled at the simplicity of his life.
I was purposeful in the clothes I chose after my bath, my mind made up about what I wanted. I didn't have anything terribly fancy, but I picked a soft dress that whispered around my knees and made me feel like a woman. My hair was down, it’s natural waves and curls hitting midway down my back.
Whatever bravado I had earlier slipped as I heard the water shutoff. I closed my eyes for a moment, and when I reopened them I focused on the swaying wheat off in the distance. It would be ready soon, and for the first time in too many years, we would have help bringing it in. I tried to center my thoughts on the way those stalks bent and waved without breaking, but my nerves were threatening to cause a revolt with those butterflies.
I heard his quiet footfalls on the hardwood, and instinctively crossed my arms over my chest.
“Bella.”
His voice caused my breath to come to a complete stop. Anticipation fairly buzzed along my skin. I had to suck in a breath and try to deflect what I knew he was going to say. “Rose was wonderful today. She pampered me, which is something I haven't done since I was sixteen.”
“That's great. You deserve it.” I heard the sincerity in his voice, felt his body heat as he stood closely behind me. Inexplicable tears threatened at the back of my lids, and I blinked fiercely.
“We can't explore whatever this is between us, Edward. We just can't.” I was terrified of what my body was saying to me as I felt an aching begin low in my belly. He was a child. I was an old woman. I was his employer. He was my ward.
“Why not?”
A simple enough question. My answer burst out of me. “For God's sake, you're only nineteen! I won't do to you what was done to me. I refuse.” My breath came harshly now, and I was tempted to sit with my head between my knees. What I wanted warred with what I thought was right.
“It's nowhere near the same. I have the choice you didn't. Don't take that choice away from me by deciding for me.”
Oh God, the thought that I was robbing him of his choice nearly sent me to the floor. I used the last excuse I had, knowing that I’d lost the battle with my conscience. “You and I are complete opposites, Edward, even before you factor in the age difference. I can't offer you a thing.”
“Yourself; your time.” I scoffed, but his logic was wearing down my already weak defenses. “I'm serious. Those are worth the most to me.”
His hands rested gently on my shoulders. I wanted to run as fast as I could, not because Edward scared me, but because I scared myself with the neediness trying to claw its way out of me. When he stroked his hands down my hair, I relented and leaned against him. His chest was hard and I felt a deep sense of comfort and rightness.
“Do you even know how strong you are, Bella?” he whispered. “Not just physically, either. You shouldn't have had to endure so much.”
It was something I was just coming to realize myself, that I didn't deserve the hand I’d been dealt. I wasn’t wrong or stupid or lazy. I wasn't ugly or fat or cold. I wasn't useless or barren. I didn't even have to be a daughter or a wife, I was simply Bella; a strong woman that did her best to endure and survive for fifteen years. If I told Edward no, he would stop touching me and ask what was for dinner and how he could help me make it. There never had to be harsh words or harsher touches in my household again. I was in control, but I wanted to know how it felt to lose that control in a whole new way.
I sighed a little as he rubbed up and down my arms. He moved my hair off my neck and kissed me there, and my eyes closed as my heart raced. My hips moved of their own accord, and I encountered what I was smart enough to know was an erection pressing into me from behind. I liked the way he tasted me, touched me carefully and with reverence. Realizing how good it could be between us caused my eyes to water.
“I’m almost completely inexperienced in this, so you have to tell me what you like and what you don’t."
“I have no idea. Sex was never nice for me.” I knew that I needed to be as honest as possible so that he never made me feel unsafe.
“Oh, sweetheart.” He pulled me into his arms, and I felt more content right there tucked under his chin than I ever knew was possible. “Please, please tell me at any time if you want to stop.”
I nodded as I thought again of how considerate he was. This was my first time in a situation where it was my choice, where the other person asked what I wanted and needed. I felt like I was as much a virgin as he.
My warring emotions finally at peace, I took a step back and held a hand out. Edward took it in his, and it pleased me to feel the calluses on his palm placed there by the virtue of hard work. I walked the short distance into the bedroom that was not directly visible from the kitchen.
“This was my parents’ room. M-my husband wanted the room upstairs because it's bigger, but I like this one.” I never said his name anymore, it felt too much like bringing him back into the house to speak it out loud.
“I like it, too. It's almost hidden, like a secret.”
I smiled, leaning toward him in the hopes that he would kiss me. He touched my lips with his own tentatively and I couldn't help but delve into his hair. It was a tad damp, and I liked the way it felt between my fingers. Edward backed up and took his shirt off, and I stared. I’d thought about what he would look like too many times to count, and there he was. Smooth with a smattering of hair, basically how I pictured him. Fingertips ran across my skin above the neckline of my dress, and I feared I would come undone at his tenderness.
I took a few tentative steps closer to the bed and Edward followed me. He held my body close to his, running his hands through my hair. I felt his heart beating under my cheek and knew suddenly that he would never go any further unless I initiated it.
With a boldness I hadn't known I possessed, I yanked off my sundress and dropped it on the floor. I only owned plain cotton undergarments and almost wished I had something attractive to wear, but as I looked into his eyes it didn't matter. Not what I was wearing or the wrinkles on my face or the gray in my hair. Not my age or my income or my knowledge of sex.
“Edward. I’m-I’m ready. I think. For you to take control.”
“Oh.” He laughed self-consciously. “Do you remember when I said I’d never done this?”
I nodded. “I’m not good at anything other than lying still and keeping my mouth shut.” I just about clamped my hand over my mouth at such a statement.
“Shit.” He came closer still and held my face in his hands like I was a fragile china doll. “We’ll do it differently, I promise. We'll make it amazing, and it'll be just the two of us in this room. No ghosts of the past.”
I nodded, feeling tears prick behind my eyelids. I pressed my mouth to his in earnest before slowing down to savor the way he tasted. He moved to kiss my cheek, my ear, and down to my neck. I gasped as his erection pressed into me from the front this time.
He moaned loudly when I touched it gently through his shorts. I snatched my hand away, feeling my face flaming.
“Please, it felt good, Bella.”
I reached for him once more and stroked up and down his length. He reached around me and fumbled for the clasp on my bra, apparently not sure how to get it off. I pulled it down my arms and twisted it to the front so I could unhook it and drop it. Instead of staring at them or groping me, he held me close to his chest so our bare skin met warmly. He cupped my ass and I moaned, surprised at my own reaction.
“I’d like to move to the bed, Edward.” I assumed that was the next part.
“If that’s what you want.”
I sat on the edge of my bed and swung my legs up to the quilt. He climbed in on the other side and stretched out next to me.
I stared at him expectantly. “Can you touch me?”
He chuckled. “I’ve been dying to!”
His hands went to my breasts and I refused to flinch. It felt so nice that my back automatically arched toward him. I moaned some more as his fingers flicked at my nipples. I had no idea it could be nice when a man touched them. I couldn't believe the feelings moving through me as he grew bold and kissed my right breast. Edward’s arm slipped around me and he shifted so that he could use his tongue and fingers on me. It was such a new sensation the way the ache pulled between my legs every time he touched my nipples, like they were somehow connected. His name slipped from my lips alongside sighs and moans. I didn't know I was capable of such emotions as the ones that coursed through me.
I wasn't sure what I needed, but I knew it had to come from him. I sat up and reached for his shorts, knowing that last barrier needed to go. I swallowed thickly when I looked at what was between his legs. There was no delicate way to tell him that I had been with a much smaller man before him. “I’ve no idea if you'll fit.” If a small one hurt as much as it did, I was starting to worry how much a large one would hurt. I trusted Edward, but old fears crept up on me.
“I don't know anything about it either,” he said. “If it hurts, I promise I’ll stop. You just have to tell me.”
It was not an empty promise coming from Edward. I knew he meant it. “Will you try?” At his nod I pulled off my underwear, feeling exposed in more ways than the obvious.
He went back to touching me, and I relaxed. I loved the feel of his strong hands on my soft skin. It sent a thrill down my spine as his fingers went further down my torso and found the hair between my legs. I shifted, unsure what he thought he was doing, but then my hips shot off the bed when he swirled his thumb lazily over me.
“Um, I just realized that I don't have a condom.”
It was like the scratch of a record in my brain as I had to focus on what he said. “Oh. I’ve been on the pill since I was 17, I just never told my husband. I didn't even think about not taking them anymore after… after.”
“So you’re still okay with this?”
Okay with it? At this point I was afraid I’d combust without it. “Yes, Edward.”
His fingers went back to their exploring and I closed my eyes to ward off the embarrassment that someone other than my gynecologist had his hands down there. Edward seemed to know what he was doing this time, and there was electricity shooting along my limbs as he never ceased his movements.
When he shifted so that his hands were on either side of me and his body was parallel to mine, I knew what was coming next. I was afraid, but I was no longer willing to let fear rule my life. I smiled, wanting this with him. “It’s okay, Edward. I promise.”
It was the same but different as he pushed inside me. There was the difference in size that I didn't know what to do with. I shifted my hips and widened my legs, and he slipped in deeper. It didn't hurt, it was just more.
“Jesus. I have never experienced anything like this.” I admit, that made me ridiculously happy.
“Me either, I promise you.” There was an emotion in his eyes that I was unused to, a softness in his face that I cherished.
As he moved back out, I ached with the loss of him. He came back, pushing in deeply, and I gasped at how hard he was and how full I felt. It was unexplainable at that moment, the swirling thoughts and feelings. I grabbed for him instinctively, needing him to move. He obliged and set a pace of back and forth that I enjoyed.
He seemed to be finished quickly and I blushed at his choice of curses. There was no prayer of thanks that he could now climb off and go away, only wonder at what had just passed between us. “That was better than anything I've ever done before, hands down.”
“No, it wasn't.”
Something in his voice caught my attention as he rolled over next to me. It echoed of disappointment and damaged male pride. “I promise you, I have never done anything that fun.”
“Okay.”
I sat up and hovered over him. My hair fell in his face and I laughed as I pushed it behind my shoulders. I was happy. “You know I was young, right, and he was not. Well, he was very rough the first time, and uncaring. He wanted a virgin, and he expected me to accept whatever he wanted without complaint. But the first few times, I fought and screamed. I had no idea that in the end, I would, in fact, end up acquiescing without a peep.” I saw his flinch at my words. There was a time when I would not have spoken of it, not told a soul how truly horrific it had been in that bed up the stairs. With Edward, I needed him to know the whole of it. I glanced down and ran my fingers over his skin, entranced with our naked bodies being so intimately entwined.
“And the birth control? You said he didn't know.”
“He wanted strapping boys to run the ranch for him. He was a slave driver, Edward, let me tell you. The men he hired weren't allowed breaks for any reason. Every few years we’d have someone collapse out there from lack of water or just sun exposure. He would fire them. Most quit after the first week. After a while, even the poorest men in the area would sooner starve than come to work for that man.” I closed my eyes and tried not to cry. I had many regrets, but children were a huge sacrifice I’d made during those fifteen years. “I would not bring children into the world he had created. I got the prescription before we were married, even though I had to go two towns over, because that's what my mom told me to do. She suggested a few years alone would be ideal, but I kept renewing that prescription every time. I hid them in my box of tampons for fifteen years, can you imagine?” It probably would have meant a beating if he’d found them, but it would have been worth it.
“You went through more than anyone should have to. You endured and you survived. You deserve to be pampered and to make all of your decisions on your own.” He held my head to his chest and stroked his thumb over my ear. It was quiet in the house, and I felt utterly content for the first time in a very long time. I didn't know what the rest of the summer would hold, much less the future after that bubble of time, but I was ready to face it. However much time I was given with Edward, I would cherish it.
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