Ex Delicto Chapter 28

Therapy seemed to be the prescription for all of us as of late. It was definitely helping me to move past my panic attacks and nightmares, and to overcome the sense of smelling fertilizer when I was stressed or overtired. Edward was still meeting with his therapist to work through his feelings of guilt, anger, and betrayal through the justice system.

For me, a huge weight had lifted from both of our shoulders when we worked to come to terms with the long list of conspirators working with Michael Newton; he clearly had been nothing but a psychopath with too many connections. I felt calmer and more secure after my sessions, and I no longer pushed Edward away when my emotions got to be too hard to handle. We'd discussed and agreed on separate civil suits against any remaining relatives of Newton's, though we weren't positive how many were left.

Now Carlisle was involved in therapy with Edward and Esme. Edward was still on the fence when it came to forgiveness, and it seemed that he struggled harder with that than he did with the ten years he spent in prison.

We'd had many conversations over the months about how hard he worked to be what he considered 'normal' day in and day out. He never wanted to erupt in my presence, and he kept his anger locked down in a ruthless manner.

Through all of this counseling, I learned that Edward was a steady sort, but with a temper like the wrath of God if his family was messed with. He worked hard to contain it and diffuse the worst triggers. He'd been tested thoroughly lately and was doing very well with not letting it get the best of him. I hated that my PTSD was partly the reason he was having anger issues, but our therapist assured me it's not my fault.

That was something I constantly struggled with, guilt and fault and blame. I was learning to let it go, but I was worried over what that would do for his health in the long run, in much the same way as I worried over him withholding forgiveness from his father.

The one instance I was invited to their family therapy session, we were all crying by the end. It was difficult to see Edward with tears running down his face, the look of betrayal and heartbreak evident. Knowing how much he used to look up to his father and knowing how he felt now, it was incredibly disheartening.

I knew Carlisle was remorseful for his actions, but he stood by them nonetheless. He believed that he had been right in his opinion, just wrong in his actions of avoidance and denial since the reversal. He didn't see that what he did for the ten years of trials and appeals had been hurtful to Esme and Edward both, only that his stubborn opinion on Edward's guilt was supported by all of the times he'd been denied an appeal.

Edward came to a passable agreement with the therapist that he and Carlisle would tolerate each other, but they would never have the close, loving relationship they'd once had. Edward was reluctantly working on his forgiveness of his father. The unresolved issue was Esme and Carlisle and the state of their marriage. Esme had moved out of the home she and Carlisle had shared for more than three decades, finding herself a small furnished apartment near mine. She wasn't ready to file for divorce, but she wasn't willing to live in Carlisle's presence anymore, either. She'd also gone back to work as a print artist in the advertising business, something she'd given up when Edward was born, and had just started dabbling in again when he was arrested.

She'd devoted Edward's entire life to molding him into an outstanding person, compassionate and well rounded. I firmly believed she had done her job well. Esme was a strong, stunning force of nature; a woman I was proud to be friends with. I constantly saw in her the traits of strength, intelligence, and patience that Edward had inherited.

I spent plenty of time talking to Esme about her therapy sessions. Her perspective was that she'd lost her faith and trust in her husband because she felt that he abandoned their son in his time of need. She couldn't understand, or accept, that Carlisle could even consider Edward guilty of the crime. That she worked tirelessly to help Edward, and Carlisle distanced himself from the both of them, was just unacceptable.

Carlisle's feelings were that there was clear evidence, and he didn't think he deserved such wrath and disappointment from his wife and son. Carlisle's opinion was that nothing is black and white, and while Esme's faith in their son could not be shaken, it was understandable after all the times Edward's conviction was upheld, that Carlisle should feel like he was in the right.

The therapist didn't agree, telling him that based on the black/white theory, he should have known that giving Edward the benefit of the doubt was a necessity. He knew his son's character, and allowed others to sway him otherwise. Esme admitted that she doesn't feel that he is the man she married, and if he could so easily abandon their son, then what else was he capable of doing? He countered that none of it had anything to do with their marriage, which only offended Esme and had the counselor bringing the session to an end.

Esme told me that her opinion is that love is not the only ingredient in the recipe for a successful marriage. You also need trust, faith, and respect, and in abandoning Edward, Carlisle failed in all three of those categories. He failed her.

I couldn't decide how I felt about Carlisle anymore, not from Esme's point of view, or Edward's, or my own. I understood everybody's point of view, including Carlisle's, I just didn't think that I could expect them to forgive him. In the long run, I forgave him in order to clear my head for better things, to not dwell on the past that I couldn't change. I could be there for Edward and his mother, but I had no need to hold a grudge against a man I wasn't likely to see again.

After about two months of doing nothing more than shuffling back and forth to therapy, I needed to do something for myself again. I was on an extended leave of absence from the firm, which I feared would ruin my chances at ever being promoted to partner.

I really needed another case through the IPNW. I asked Edward to accompany me to their office so I could look through the files and take on the next person in line. We were quiet on the way there; I was thinking about the implications of the place where it had all started between us, and I imagined he was, too.

When we got there, the office was deserted; a bulletin tacked on the cork board near the elevator announced employee training and a day off for volunteers. When the elevator doors whooshed open, I could only stare at the mirrored walls and remember when I first brought him here. I'd wanted nothing more than to plunder his mouth and watch it unfold in the reflection.

I bit my lip as we stepped inside. We'd abstained for such a long time now, since our first night. I knew what I wanted, needed in that moment. The doors closed, and I hit the emergency stop button with the side of my fist.

I'm not even sorry for that cliffie.