Wednesday, June 13, 2018

1,500 Acres Chapter 5

I needed to put space between me and Edward in a way that was clear cut. I avoided him for the next few days, knowing he would tend to his chores while I tended to mine. I took my meals into my bedroom with me, feeling like a coward but unable to figure out a better way to send the message that we were never going to be more than a farmer and a hand. Rusty seemed to be more loyal to Edward, because he started to follow him around the property instead of me. I couldn't honestly blame him. I was miserable to be around.

Emmett and Rose arrived as promised. The sun was already too hot to bear, and it was only early morning. The wind blew loose bits of hair from my braid as I stood on the porch next to Edward. I’d left a good three feet between us, but my shoulders hunched nonetheless. Too many emotions were swirling through me, such as fear and regret and guilt. We watched as the McCarty’s truck pulled up the dirt drive and parked to the far side by the cattle pen. He got out and opened the door for his wife, and my heart sighed at the proof that there were good and decent men out there. He’d certainly been a friend to me in the time since my husband had passed, though I’d been wary of befriending Rose.

My whole body tensed as they neared and I realized I had to introduce Edward in a way that wouldn't give away the unforgivable things I’d done to him. “Emmett, Rosalie, this is Mr. Cullen, the boy helping me out for the summer.” I felt him shift, but he didn't say anything.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Rose said, addressing Edward. “Please call me Rose. And your first name is?”

“Edward.” I felt him look at me, but I stared straight ahead. Why were we so connected I could sense his every movement? “I’m Edward.”

“Good to see you again,” Emmett said.

I had to refrain myself from bolting into the house before Rose could even make it onto the porch. My nerves were about to snap. I followed her with measured steps instead, desperate to act like nothing was wrong.

“What do you want to do today, Bella?” she asked as she set her basket on the kitchen table.

Exhausted and overwhelmed, I dropped into one of the chairs. “I hadn’t put very much thought into what you and I would do. I was too focused on the list for the men.” I couldn't bring myself to say Edward’s name, too afraid I would give away my emotions with the way my voice sounded.

“What have you been wanting to do the most but haven't had the time?” she asked, sitting down in Edward’s chair.

He’d only been there for a month and I already saw that chair as belonging to him.

I sighed. “Well, I want to do several things. I think that’s the problem. I want to cook, bake, read, sew, eat junk food, and sit around doing nothing. I can't very well do all of those things.”

Rose laughed, and I felt myself blush. “Sure you can. We’ll just prioritize.”

“I thought for sure you were going to make fun of me,” I admitted, staring at the scarred wood tabletop.

“Never, Bella. Not just because you've been through enough, but because you're just figuring out what you want from life now that it’s your decision.”

Looking up at her, I smiled in gratefulness for her consideration. “Thank you for being here for me, Rose.”

She reached across the table and patted my hand. “Not a problem. Now, I think if you want to bake and cook that needs to come first. Unless you're sewing for pleasure, let's leave that out. No mending today.”

I nodded as I thought about what I wanted to make. “I want to stew and can apples and tomatoes, oh, and red sauce. I have fresh peas I’d like to can.”

“We can make dinner and let it simmer, and I brought some of my sourdough starter. Then you can take a hot bath and read, how does that sound?”

“Indulgent,” I answered honestly.

“It’s worth it to take time for yourself, Bella. You'll feel like a new woman.”

I smiled at her before getting up and pulling out the items we needed to get canning. We worked well side by side, never getting in each other's way but moving in tandem. We had to cook the peas and I cooked some corn while we were at it. The tomatoes I stewed whole, and Rose peeled and cored and sliced apples so she could cook them down with sugar and cinnamon.

As Rose finished off her homemade tomato sauce, she suggested I head to the bath and promised she would make lunch for everyone and then prep dinner. I was reluctant, but I figured she wouldn't relent, so I laid out clean clothes and fresh towels. Before starting the water, I went back to the kitchen and found her piling a platter full of sandwiches.

“You’re the best, Rose,” I said before biting into ham and cheese. “How can I repay you,” I asked once I’d swallowed.

She laughed again. I was learning she was an easy going and cheerful soul, much like her husband. “One of these days you’ll be asked for help from someone in the community, and I hope you'll agree. That's all I want in return.”

Feeling bold, I walked up to her and wrapped my arms around her. Her blonde hair tickled my nose and I pulled back to see shock on her face before she smoothed her expression and looked into my eyes. “See, that was worth it right there. Human interaction is what you need, sweetheart. Promise me you won’t shut yourself off from life because of what you went through. You’re a survivor.”

“Why are you so damn smart?”

She pulled me into my bedroom off the kitchen, and I wondered if I’d offended her with my statement. Instead, she sat on my bed and I tentatively sat next to her. When she spoke, it was in undertones.

“I was assaulted in high school.” It was such a simple admission, for all the importance of the meaning behind it.

“What? Who?”

“It was in my senior year, a guy that had asked me out. I told him I wasn't interested, because Emmett was already on my radar. I told Em that the guy had been bothering me because he kept showing up in random places. That’s the only thing that saved me, telling Emmett I was basically being stalked. I didn't show for a date and he came looking for me.” Rose took a few deep breaths and I grabbed her hand, holding it tightly in mine. “I was walking out of the drug store when James grabbed me. He dragged me behind the store to the alley behind it. He had his hand over my mouth and nose, and I couldn't breathe.” Her eyes took on a faraway look, and I understood that she was in a different headspace. It was a coping mechanism familiar to me.

“You don't have to tell me the rest, Rose.”

“Well, let me just say that Emmett was not the one to take my virginity, but he did find me and punch James repeatedly in the face. Emmett had called the police when I didn't meet him, but they told him there was nothing they could do about him being stood up for a date. They felt really stupid when we walked into the station to file a report after Emmett hogtied James and threw him in the bed of his truck.”

“God, Rose. I’m sorry that happened to you.” I admired her strength even more now. I shuddered at memories of my own that hadn't died with my husband.

“I learned to accept the pain of what happened and to move on from it. It wasn't overnight, it took a lot of therapy, but Emmett was there for me through it all. He was definitely more than a casual date, thank God. We went through many tears and breakdowns before we were able to be intimate the first time. He was, and is, incredibly patient.”

“Thank you for sharing that with me. I don't like to talk about myself, but maybe if I did open up it would help.” I thought about whether I should talk to her about it, since she would understand better than I assumed, or if Edward was the one to talk to. Should I burden him with my pain?

“I’m always a shoulder to cry on or an ear to listen, Bella. I don't think you’re ready, not yet, but when you are I’ll be there.” She stood and nodded toward the bathroom. “Go take your bath, and I’ll feed the guys.”

Rose closed the door behind her, and I went to lock it. I truly wished for the first time that I had a large tub. Wanting to make the best of it, I headed in there and turned the water on hot while rummaging for anything resembling bubbles or bath salts. Coming up empty, I sighed and stripped down before testing the water. I wanted it hot, and that's what I got.

I closed my eyes and tried to savor my time as I sank down to my shoulders. My knees were practically up in my boobs, but it didn't matter. It was just shy of heaven to be in the silence with no responsibilities. I realized I’d forgotten to scrounge up a book, and my mind wandered instead.

I could admit to myself that I wanted Edward. I wanted to see him undressed, to find out if he was as muscular as he appeared fully clothed. I wanted to know if his chest was smooth or covered in hair. I wanted to see his desire on display like it had been the other night when I kissed him. I really, really wanted to know if sex could be anything near as exciting as simply kissing him had been. I had a feeling it would be better, but I had no comparison.

Edward confessed to being a virgin. I would be taking something away from him that he’d intended to keep for his future wife. It could be said that I was an older, experienced woman taking advantage of a teenager. He was a guest in my home, a boarder that was volunteering to help me out for the summer. His parents had entrusted me with their son, and I’d given a promise to take care of him. And I was considering violating that trust.

Lord, how I wanted to violate him.

But that wouldn't be right. Despite being uncharacteristically naïve, I knew the basics. I knew that he and I would be fundamentally changed if we went through with what I wanted. It should be his choice, but I wasn't even sure if he was mature enough to realize all of the consequences to his actions. What would we do when he left at the end of August? I’d have to let him leave, to go back to his future, even if it killed me.

A bitter laugh escaped me and echoed across the tiles. I was made of stronger stuff than that. If the bastard I was married to hadn't managed to kill me, I could survive loving Edward and letting him go. It was the only way I could have what I wanted and not ruin him.

Groaning at the direction my thoughts had taken, I pulled the drain plug and stood to take a shower. There were other people here, and I couldn't stay in the bathroom all day.

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