Fire In The Water Chapter Nine

Ward

After I'd laid my sins at her feet, every last secret exposed, Bella still didn't see me as a monster? "Did you hear everything I just said?"

Shifting until she no longer touched me, Bella sat up and looked me in the eye. "Yes, I heard you."

"Every sordid detail?" Why was it so hard for me to grasp? I already knew she was an incredible woman. 

"I understand you weren't perfect, Ward. You did things you aren't proud of. Regardless of what drove you to work that job, you're remorseful. You paid your dues, according to the State of Maryland."

"I didn't do time for the crimes I committed, Bella. That's my point."

Restless, I stood, walking away from the miracle of total acceptance. Why did I feel compelled to force her into seeing me as vile trash? Certainly not good enough for her. She was pure innocence compared to my pitch-black soul. Pacing back to the couch and staring down at her, I frowned. Her face was pale, bright flags of red riding high on her cheeks. I didn't want to stand over her; to look down on her. It wasn't fitting for someone like me, who belonged miles below the surface of the earth. 

"What are you saying, Ward?" Rising, moving closer, she reached for me.

Jerking my arm away before her fingers could make contact, I breathed in and out. Deep, rough, horrible breaths churned in and out of my lungs. 

"Ward."

That's not even my name, I wanted to scream. Mostly, I wanted to cry. How could the heavens place her in front of me? 

With a bitter laugh, I realized it was more likely the devil getting his jollies by presenting such delectable temptation. 

"You're so . . . You're so you." At her frown, I expounded. "Good, sweet, helpful, amazing."

"Thanks? I mean, you make it sound like an insult."

"I'm the opposite. Before prison broke me, I was arrogant, rude, thoughtless. Selfish."

"You've clearly changed."

Scouring my fingers over my eyes, I tried to pinpoint when I'd become a martyr. "I'm still not good enough for you."

"It's not your place to decide for me."

Bella's tone must have stressed Heidi out. Her ears lowered, and she shoved her head between my knees until I straddled her. It was a position her trainer taught her to occupy when there was nearby conflict. Though she didn't growl, she focused her attention on the woman across the room. The one I was desperately trying to push away, to talk some sense into. To make her see reason. 

Gesturing at my dog, Bella said, "You've stressed her out." 

The accusation shocked me. "I did?"

"She senses your feelings, you know. Why do you think Charlie disappeared again?"

I had no idea what to say to that. "You're right that I can't decide for you. But I can remove myself from the situation. Then there’s no choice to make."

"You'll rob yourself of friends to prove a point?"

When she framed it in those words, it sounded ridiculous. "That's not my intention."

"It's what you're doing." Shaking her head, Bella circled the far side of the coffee table and headed to the kitchen. 

"I don't know what I'm doing," I said quietly, half hoping she didn't hear me. Half anguished, half buoyant. She wanted to be my friend. She didn't think I was a horrible person. 

"It's okay if you don't." Opening the freezer, Bella pulled out a pint of ice cream. "We don't all have our shit together, Ward."

Offering me a spoon she took from a drawer, she opened the container and set it on the table. 

It felt as if there was no stopping her. This woman’s force of nature was on par with a category five hurricane. Gentle determination and unconditional understanding stood on the other side of the apartment, slowly eroding my resistance. Self-loathing and destructive behavior embraced me, urging me not to give in to a pretty woman's persuasive charm. 

Without thinking too hard, I stepped forward. Heidi stayed put, settling on the rug since the storm had passed. 

"Tell me about your sister."

I watched Bella dig her spoon into the ice cream, then scrape back one of two chairs. 

Sitting opposite her, I said, "Beth is older than me by almost five years. She's smart as fuck; always hit the honor roll throughout her school years." The flavor surprised me when I finally got around to trying the ice cream. Cinnamon, but also something atypical. 

"It's cinnamon basil gelato."

My furrowed brows must have given me away. "What in the world?"

"There's so much to this town you haven't discovered yet."

"Obviously." I dug back in, smiling as she batted my spoon aside to get more for herself. 

"What else?"

"Mm." I swallowed. "She went off to college when I had just started high school. Everything seemed to go well for her. She had friends, a boyfriend; classes were easy for her."

For a minute, I couldn't speak. Memories weren't easily suppressed when they were so horrible, but I'd tried to forget them over the years. God knows Beth had begged me to let go and move on.

"Take your time. Or don't tell me the rest." Her hands rested on the table, one crossed over the other. The spoon sat forgotten in the tub of melting gelato. 

"I came home from school to find my mother crying in the living room. Dad had come home early from work." Sucking in a breath and letting it out slowly, I continued. "They told me to go to my room. I thought someone had died, but I'd already lost my grandparents."

"How did it happen?"

Her words were soft, and I appreciated the reverence. "After a party. She wanted to walk home alone. It was only across campus."

"Dangerous."

"Way too dangerous. It wasn't a student. It took a long time to find him, but he was in full view of the campus cameras." My knuckles bitched when my fists tightened. "The whole thing was."

Her big brown eyes widened. "I hope no one made her watch it, in court or otherwise."

"No," I murmured. "But I watched it. It was years later by the time he was made to pay. Every day, I went to the courthouse to sit there and face that monster."

"I can picture it. You would be silently raging, wishing for a few seconds alone with him. Dying to grant vengeance for your sister’s sake."

She had me pegged there. "Beth is smart, but she's strong as fuck too. She grieved what she'd lost, she got counseling, and took some time off. But then she went back to that campus and busted her ass to get back on track."

"You admire her." Finally remembering the gelato, she tossed it back in the freezer and set the spoons in the sink. Returning to the table, she took my hand when she sat. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I do." I studied the piles of hair Bella had pinned to her head, the open expression in her big brown eyes. "She'd love you."

Bella grinned a bit shyly. "Really?"

"Someone ambitious, supportive of her friends, who won't let me wallow? Yeah." Staring at her until she ducked her head, I said, “Moxie, that’s what she’d call it.”

“She’s a lawyer?” Bringing her chin back up to focus on me, Bella seemed eager to keep me talking.

“Yes. She and my parents didn't know what I was doing with my life after high school. They expected me to go to college, to follow in Beth’s footsteps. They always compared me to her, all our lives.”

“That must have been difficult.” Still holding my hand, she ran her fingertip over my inner wrist. The sensation was both sensual and ticklish.

“These guys found me outside the courthouse one day. I was taking a break from mentally beating someone to death, and they asked if I wanted some cash in exchange for running an errand.” Shrugging, trying to dispel the weight of my guilt, I continued, “It was a no-brainer.”

“Fooled you, didn't they?”

“You don't even sound judgmental when you say that.”

“Because I’m not. I haven't walked in your shoes. How could I know what it was like for you?”

How had this woman come into my life at this moment? “Are you sure we’re not on hidden camera or something?”

Bella frowned. “What?”

“You’re too perfect.”

“Please, stop saying that. I’m really not perfect, I just try not to be a hypocritical piece of shit.”

I had to stand up again, to move from the table and pace the living room. Heidi picked her head up and watched me, and I spotted Charlie in the doorway leading to the bedroom. There was Bella, and there was me, and if I wanted to, I could convince her to slip into that room with me. It was clear she would be on board with it.

But then I would feel even worse about myself than I already did. I didn't want to be a user anymore; someone who took pleasure where he could find it and then threw it away once it became a chore. Spinning, I was startled to find Bella standing directly behind me. As I swallowed slowly, I let my heart beat out of control instead of trying to calm it.

“I know you think I’m some kind of goddess or whatever, and you must see yourself as the Antichrist.” Sliding her hand up my chest, she curled her palm around my nape and rose on her toes. “We’re neither, Ward. We’re just normal people trying to figure out the world.”

And I couldn't deny her when she pressed her mouth to mine. How could I shove her back when I wanted to drag her closer? The taste of her exploded on my tongue; cinnamon—somehow always cinnamon—and fucking Bella, a place and a feeling I wanted to latch onto for eternity.

Her body was soft enough to mold against mine, to press and angle in all the right places. Enough of her, and I’d be drunk. At the same time her fingers tangled in the hair at the back of my head, I was dipping to reach her better, to grip her waistband and tug. When I wanted to tear her clothes off, I paced myself instead. Closer, so much closer, our faces bumped and changed direction. She kissed my cheek, breathing into my ear as she struggled to remain on her toes. 

“Ward, please.”

But I couldn't answer her prayers, so I led her to the couch instead. Sitting, allowing her to climb on my lap. Face to face, heartbeat to heartbeat, we froze for a few seconds that felt as long as eternity. Finally, she moved in, finding my lips once more. The back of her shirt bunched under my questing fingers, and I got a hold of her skin at last. Just along her spine, feeling goosebumps rise in the wake of my touch, I ran the pads of rough fingers. It didn't appear she cared since she moaned and rocked her hips. Her body was a welcome pressure holding me to the earth, and I felt how hard I was rapidly becoming. Too easy to fall for her, my brain screamed.

God, I was about to lose everything. My sanity, my courage, my mind. My chivalry, whatever might be left of it.

“Bella.” Speaking against her lips didn't stop her, so I gripped her chin to make her look at me. “Slow down.”

Mortification ripped through me as I spotted the tears blooming along her lower lashes. Sliding back on my knees, she asked, “What did I do wrong?”

“You?” Shaking my head, I tried to wrap my brain around what I felt. I didn't mean to hurt her in any capacity. In fact, I was trying desperately to avoid hurting her further. “Not you; me.”

“For once in my life, I don't want to be the responsible one. The stick in the mud, the good girl.” Lifting her shoulder, she wiped her eye on her shirt.

“Well, for once in my life, I want to be that person. I’m sorry.”

“I’m an idiot.” Scrambling off my lap, Bella wiped her face more and stood across the coffee table from me. “I didn't mean to pressure you. It’s just that—” Breaking off, she pulled in a deep breath, her hand on her stomach. “It’s just that I like you so much, and I’m afraid that one day, I’ll wake up and you’ll have left town.”

I didn't know she felt that strongly about me. Personally, my thoughts and emotions were all over the place. “If we complicate things and I do have to leave, I don't think I can live with myself.”

“That’s the sort of thing I was afraid you’d say.” She sniffed. “Because it proves you think about leaving.” She was fragile, open to me, a flower in full sun. I ached to let her in, but knew I couldn't.

“I might not have a choice. One day, they will find me. I’d rather they don't find me anywhere near you.”

More tears spilled down her cheeks, and I felt like an even bigger asshole. “So all I can do is fear for your safety, while knowing you’ll eventually go.”

Running was all I knew. What I wanted instead was in front of me; falling slowly, diving deep, then rushing to the surface to grab a breath before being pulled to the bottom. The hurricane would sweep over me sooner or later, and I would lift my face to the pouring rain with arms wide open. 

And then I would have to leave it behind, though I had just found it.

Beth