FAÇADE Chapter 31

Storms are raging on a rollin’ sea

Down the highway of regret

The winds of change are blowing wild and free

But you ain’t seen nothing like me yet

There ain't nothing that I wouldn't do

Go to the ends of the Earth for you

Make you happy, make your dreams come true

To make you feel my love

~ Garth Brooks, To Make You Feel My Love

When guilt and worth were the words of the day.

The therapist Bella started seeing at Kate's suggestion was the best thing for her. She spent the first week crying through every session, coming home and telling me all about it. The only thing we had to be careful about was the actual murder that she and I committed together. There was no point in time that either of us felt comfortable admitting to a crime we could still be prosecuted for; instead she said that she allegedly was involved at a distance, and talked about her feelings of guilt.

If I thought she'd thrown herself into the charity before, it was nothing to compare to what she did after she changed counselors. She was gone very early and finished very late. I stayed at her house several nights a week, and she was often gone before I got up. My own business was expanding rapidly since referrals had become the largest draw of clients. Some met me at the shelter, such as other volunteers, and some came from the judges I'd worked with. I was at least as busy as Bella was.

It seemed like everything was moving along smoothly. At least that was what I told myself until it all came crashing down.

The call apparently came in while I was in a client mediation, but I didn't have a secretary or assistant. My phones rolled to my cell phone or voicemail if I didn't answer them. After telling the couple goodbye, I checked my messages the same as I always would. When I heard Lucas sounding frantic on a voicemail, I panicked. Like Felix, Lucas didn't ever lose his cool. He requested my immediate presence at the shelter, or he was afraid he would have to call for an ambulance.

With that little bit of information I ran out the door and flew into my sister's office down the hall. Thankfully for all involved, she wasn't with anybody. She was standing at her assistant's desk, and I came to a stop with my hand on my overtaxed heart.

“There's been an emergency at the shelter. Please, please, can you cancel my afternoon appointments?”

Not that I'd bothered with such banalities as locking the door, but Kate and I had keys to each other's offices. The only thing I waited for was her nod, not even waiting around for her questions before sprinting to the parking lot.

I would most likely have to justify murdering Lucas for not giving me more information over the voicemail. All sorts of crazy ideas went through my head as I drove faster than I should have to get to the shelter. I slowed when I pulled into the parking lot, not because I was any less worried, but because I was aware that sometimes there were children out there.

I yanked on the glass door at the front and kept moving, hoping that the person manning the front desk would just buzz me through without a lot of talking. I glanced over, and the woman stood and stared at me with an uncertain look on her face.

“Lucas called me, I need to get in to help Bella.”

I paused with my hand on the inner door, and finally heard the buzz.

I was planning on trying the offices on the main floor first before searching her out in her basement office, but I didn't get very far before Lucas came toward me.

“Felix is with her now. She’s in her office.”

I followed him to the elevator, where he punched the button repeatedly, and definitely impatiently.

“What happened?”

“She had a panic attack. She was talking with a new incoming resident, and from what I gathered some things she described were too close to home for Bella. The woman called the front desk from her room and asked for help.”

We were pushing on the doors on the elevator barely after the ding, and we rode in silence. Maybe I wouldn't chew him a new one since he seemed as rattled as I was. I was forcing my way out of the elevator before it even finished whooshing open, slapping my hand on the damn thing as it seemed to crawl open. I strode down the hall as fast as my long legs would take me.

The sight in her office actually calmed me. She was sitting in a chair with Felix kneeling at her feet. It was an odd sight for such a tall man, but I knew that he regarded her as family; a younger sister. Bella was wrapped in a blanket and drinking from a bottle of water. Her makeup was streaked as she looked up at me, and I saw the relief pass over her features. She stood, dropping the blanket, and as Felix also stood, she rushed in to my arms.

“Edward, oh thank God.” We held each other for a long time while I assured myself she was okay, and she assured herself she was safe in my arms.

“Tell me about it.” She pulled away just a little, but held onto one of my hands.

“The woman I was speaking with was caught up with a boyfriend that kept trading her to pay for his addiction. She was raped so many times, oh my God.” She pressed a hand to her stomach and took a deep breath. “I just couldn't stop crying. And then she got to the part—the part where some guy wanted the same as that last guy wanted from me. It's so degrading to be treated like that, like you're just nothing but a vessel. I couldn't take it anymore. It brought me back to that guy that I escaped from and the anger Emmett showed to me. I panicked. I had a panic attack.” She trembled.

“Are you better now? Do you need anything?” I spoke to her quietly. Inner rage of my own was trying to make itself known, but it wouldn't do either of us any good.

“I called Emily. She agreed to see me in an hour.” Emily was her new therapist.

“I'll take you.”

I thanked Lucas and Felix, who wanted to be called after her session. Lucas walked with us to the front door. Bella ducked into the bathroom to clean up her face and blow her nose.

“By the way, Edward, you scared the shit out of Marta.”

I turned to look at him in astonishment. “I did?”

“She thought she recognized you, and you told her I’d called you, but she doubted herself after she let you in. She called me to come and boot your ass out.”

I laughed, and found that it was nice to lift the heavy feeling in the air. “I didn't mean to. She should maybe be spoken to about standing her ground.”

“Yes, I will.”

Bella rejoined us, and Lucas walked us out of the inner door and stopped at the desk as we continued. Bella held my hand the entire way to my car, and I helped her in to her seat, leaving her with a kiss to the forehead as I rounded the hood. I pulled my cell out and sent a text to Kate that we were fine, but heading to see Emily for an emergency session. She responded with a request for a call when we were through.

I closed the door behind me and started the car, but then just sat and stared at Bella. “Are you really okay?”

“No, but I'm better. Your presence makes me better.”

I picked up her hand and kissed it, holding it while I drove her to Emily’s office.

We were greeted like old friends, where nobody acted like Bella had fallen apart less than an hour ago. We were offered coffee and water, and then ushered into Emily's office.

“Bella, it's good to see you.” Emily put a hand on Bella’s arm. “Is it your wish to have Edward in the room?”

Bella nodded. “Yes, if that's okay with you.”

“Of course.”

We sat on the plush couch, and Bella immediately picked up my hand again.

“Why don't you tell me about your day,” Emily said.

“It started off normally, just my usual routine, and then there was a new admit. She wanted to talk, and I spent the morning in her room. Eventually, she mentioned why she was there. Her boyfriend was abusing cocaine, and when he ran out of money for his addiction he pimped her to the dealers in exchange for drugs.”

Bella stopped and breathed in and out deeply.

“Take your time,” Emily encouraged.

Bella took several more breaths before she continued. “The one that broke her, literally and figuratively, sent her to the hospital. She decided she was fed up. She told the nurse in the emergency room that she needed the police, and she proceeded to report her boyfriend for all of the myriad things he'd done. She asked the police for protection, and they referred her to our shelter. That's how she came to be with me. It was just that when she began to describe the last man, it was exactly parallel to what happened to me.”

Her breathing was coming in shallow bursts, and I squeezed her hand and murmured to her. She turned and buried her face into my shoulder and cried into my chest. I rubbed her back and waited for her to come back to me.

“Bella, you’re here with me, you're safe.”

“Bella. Breathe.” Emily spoke from her seat, watching us carefully. “In. Out.”

“I couldn't take it,” Bella said against my shirt before pulling away and accepting the tissue Emily offered.

“That's to be expected. It's called PTSD, Bella. Post-traumatic stress disorder. It will take years to overcome, and even then, it might lessen but not go away completely.”

Bella nodded. They’d discussed PTSD before.

“Have you given more thought to asking your doctor for anti-anxiety medication?”

“I don't want any type of drugs. I’ve seen too often what can happen, how people change and do things they wouldn't otherwise do. It scares me.”

“Okay, then we have to work on your coping techniques. Breathing exercises, mental images, and apparently, security in the form of Edward.”

I blushed.

“The major emotion that I feel is guilt. I got out of it, I survived. I didn't let that man do those awful things to me, and yet she couldn't get away. She had to endure so much pain so that one man could get off on it in a sick and twisted way, and another could score more cocaine. It’s awful enough as it is, and then I feel bad that I didn't suffer as much when I sure as hell deserved it.”

I couldn't help it by then. Tears were rolling down my cheeks after hearing that Bella thought she deserved more torture than what she endured.

“Bella, being capable of escape that one time doesn't make you less of a victim than the young woman you speak of. You don't compare pain in levels; that would be like saying someone that was raped once doesn't deserve love and support because she wasn't raped five times. You also cannot say that you deserved what you went through because you weren't a good person at the time it happened to you. It wasn't a direct result of anything you did. It’s not karma coming to you before you’ve had the chance to make mistakes. Do you understand what I’m saying?”

Bella sniffed and nodded.

“I understand that you feel guilty for things that you did. That makes sense, and we’ve spoken about your need for atonement. There’s nothing wrong with working hard toward being a better person, but don't burn yourself out thinking that working harder will bring absolution.”

“Thank you. You know I struggle with how to pay for my crimes.”

“I also know that some of those were a product of your situation and that you would never do those things now.”

“No, I wouldn't. I cringe at the person I was.” She bit her lip and looked at me. “And I don't feel that I deserve the love of someone as morally good as Edward.”

I bit my tongue because we'd had this conversation over and over. I didn't know when she would see that I could forgive her for her past as long as we worked on moving forward together.

“You have to work on those issues of feeling worthy. Guilt and worth can be our topic at your next session. Are you feeling safe and calm now?”

“Yes, absolutely. It was the flashback that threw me for a loop. It's much better now, Emily. Thank you for seeing me without prior notice.”

“I'm always happy to fit you in.”

We said goodbye to Emily and made our way home without even a second thought of where to go next. It was clear to me that Bella would want to be in her own place. She went into her bedroom to call Kate  and the shelter while I searched the refrigerator for something to drink. She had a bottle of red wine that looked as good as anything else, and I poured us each a glass while I waited for her.

“Kate said she rescheduled your clients for next week. One went to Monday and the other to Thursday.”

“I'll call her later to thank her. How are you holding up?” I handed her the glass and we went to the living room to settle on the couch.

“I feel drained.”

“I can understand that. Are you going to avoid medication for the anxiety?” I knew what she'd said to Emily, but I wanted to double check.

“Yes. I'll find other techniques. It can be a last resort because I don't want to be stubborn for the sake of it, but I'll start with other options.” She set her glass down so she could cuddle up.

“Okay. You know I'll support whatever you decide.”

“You're so patient with me while I muddle through trying to fix myself.” She rested her head on my chest as she shifted to face me.

“You said yourself that you were broken. I know you thought it would be an easy fix. I'm sorry it's harder on you than it probably should be.”

“You really are too good for me. One of these days I hope to be as good as you.”

“You're on the right path. Nothing will change my mind about the way I feel about you.”

We stayed curled together on her couch until hunger drove us in search of dinner. Bella was going through so much on a daily basis, more than I saw when I looked at her. She had the same strength she always did, but I didn't think she believed that. She would get there, of that I had no doubt.