You don't know just how far I'd be willing to go
You put the cracks into my moral code
Any who cross our paths are just collateral damage
You gon' make me a believer, even if that shit ain't true
You will make me commit murder; baby, I'd kill for you
~Skylar Grey, Kill For You
When I realized I would kill for Bella Swan.
After the first time I skipped a meeting with Black, it became easier to make excuses for why I was unable to see him in person. I checked in regularly so he wouldn't worry I’d bit a bullet, but I was vague and got right to the point each time. Sometimes I texted him from a burner phone, using only my code, sometimes I called him from a payphone when I knew he’d be out of the office and left a voicemail. He couldn't come to me, and we both knew it.
I was breaking rules, breaking laws. Though I knew I had some leeway so as not to bring attention to myself, I also knew I was taking it further than I should. I wasn't supposed to be involved with Bella, and yet I was. Well, when she wanted sex I was involved with her. It seemed that the only time that happened was when I pissed her off. I should have notified Jacob of the shipment ahead of time so that those higher in the chain of command could decide if they should move in or turn a blind eye to keep my cover. I didn't. I didn't mention it before or after. I didn't say anything when I was asked to represent the family for the exchange of those drugs with the dealer. I let Emmett and Jasper give me more and more responsibility, and I left it all out of my reports.
Most of the time Bella drove herself to and from work, but once in awhile I would drive her and spend time hanging out at the bar in hopes of overhearing some information that would point me in the right direction. So far, it had been a bust. It was increasingly frustrating to not have anything at all to go on, especially since Bella constantly pressured me to get her answers.
I could still picture Petey’s blood on the carpet as I sat and gazed out at the main floor of the club. The ugly red and black pattern would hide any remaining stains that hadn't come out, but I knew the Cullen family had a professional clean up team. It didn't matter, I could picture the brain matter as it sprayed toward me and the wall next to the bar. Pete had made the mistake of talking too much, a mistake that I wasn't willing to make.
I was pulled from my macabre thoughts as Bella came over to the bar. It was almost closing time, and she had her coat on and an umbrella in her hand. It had rained relentlessly all week, which seemed to make her grumpy.
“Hey, baby, is your name Gillette?” I looked over at the drunk idiot that put his hand on Bella’s arm as he wobbled up to her. He swayed a little as he tried to get a look at her boobs under her trench coat. They had been on display more than once up on stage, but, hey, whatever.
“It must be, because you’re the best a man can get!” He snickered at his own joke, despite the fact that Bella aimed a death glare in his direction. She shook his hand off her arm and got right in his face. She never failed to turn me on, so I pitied the guy. But only a little.
“If you dare to touch me again, I will shove this umbrella up your ass and open it,” she said in what I considered her boss-lady voice.
He blanched.
“I would listen to her,” I said. “You ready to go?”
Bella nodded and headed toward the door in what could only be described as a sweeping movement. I winked at the drunk as I walked past, laughing my ass off at the thought that I was taking her home after he hit on her.
She had the umbrella open by the time I stepped outside, and I pulled my ball cap lower on my head before we dashed across the street to my car. I was still driving the Cadillac, and the only thing I could be grateful for was that it always started up. She didn't say anything as we tried to shut out the rain; we were wet and so was the interior of the car. The sound of the downpour was a loud pounding on the roof.
We had to make another mad dash when we got home. She was staying with me tonight because she was worried that one of the enforcers was tailing her to get information for Emmett and Jasper. Carlisle was the one to give her the heads up after a conversation the men had together.
“No offense, but I can't believe I have to stay here again,” she complained once we made it up the stairs. Garrett had been by this afternoon to sweep for bugs and posted a man on the street to watch our apartment. So far, they’d never found anything, but to not be overly cautious was to end up dead.
“I haven't found any two bedrooms that the division will approve of. They're all too costly.”
Bella threw her raincoat and umbrella on the floor, an uncharacteristic move for her. Her boots came off next, followed by her socks. “Great, so you have to be a goody-two-shoes fucking fed and abide by all the rules, do you?”
“You know I’ve already broken rules for you,” I said in a warning tone. I was sick of having this same argument over and over.
“I don't give a fuck, Masen. In my world, you do what you have to do. How do you think I came to have what I have, by hiding in fear and doing what I’m told?”
“No, of course not. The very fact that you still strip when you don't really have to astounds me. You’re more brave than I am.”
“Don't have to? Don't have to? I have to strip if I want to keep my cover story intact. I have to strip if I want to stay alive. What do you think would happen if I waltzed up to Emmett fucking Cullen and told him I was the rightful heir and was demanding my place at the head of the Family?”
“He’d laugh at you.”
“He’d kill me like he killed my father.”
There were several seconds of silence as I thought about what she said and she panted heavily. “You don't have any proof,” I said quietly. We sat on the couch as she started speaking again.
“You don't have any proof. I have my instincts, the very ones that have kept me alive throughout this ordeal. I have the knowledge that Eric Yorkie, my dad’s lawyer, let it slip to Jasper that my dad willed everything to Carlisle back in the day, but as I neared my eighteenth birthday he realized that I was cut out for this life. All those years with Carlisle right by his side, he’d been trying to protect me, but I was savvy and didn't flinch over blood like Daddy expected. He began asking my advice on everything from which drugs were selling faster to the price of inflation and who in the organization he should trust. If it wasn't for Carlisle’s rat bastard sons calling Daddy at the last minute and telling him there was a problem with a shipment, he would have been at home having dinner with me. He went on good faith, not bothering to call for backup or asking anyone else what the issue was. He trusted them, and it got him killed. The stray bullets that nearly took my life that same night were no fucking coincidence, either.”
“But you don’t know who pulled the trigger,” I stated. This was the crux of our problem.
“And I damn sure asked around. Carlisle was there to console me, and he knew that I was to be named in the will. I told him to keep that to himself and to accept the title. I went to the ceremony and watched his sons practically crown him king. He helped hide the fact that Daddy’s money was left to me; in fact, he killed Yorkie himself,” she murmured.
“Damn.”
“He was the only other one who knew,” she said in Carlisle’s defense, running her hands through her hair and propping her bare feet on the coffee table. She was wearing sweats after her shift, but her heavy eyeliner remained around her doe eyes. “Those two would tag-team me, laughing and cajoling me. They didn't hide their glee over Daddy’s death, and they took on the mantle of authority that wasn't theirs to take. Told me my name would be mud in this town if I didn't put my tits on display for them every night like a good little slut.” She scoffed.
“The first photos of you, you looked so thin.” I knew by now it was because her father had just died and she'd been going through so much. Apparently she’d also been shot.
“Yeah, well, I was miserable for a long time. I knew what my end goal was, but I was mourning. Carlisle was the only one I could talk to, and he was increasingly surrounded by his sons.” She looked me dead in the eyes. “He’s given me his blessing to kill them.”
“Fuck.” I didn't want to hear that about the man I begrudgingly respected.
“Make no mistake, I will exact revenge when I have my proof. I’m just afraid neither of them actually pulled the trigger, and I want that bastard, too.”
“You know I’m getting closer to them, but they aren't having me over for girl talk, either. I can only go as fast I am.”
“That’s why I need to push you out of your comfort zone.”
“No.”
“What the fuck, I haven't even said what it is yet.” I saw out of my peripheral as she turned to scowl at me.
“I said no. I know what direction you want me to go in, and that might be you, but it’s not me.” I stood and went to the kitchen for water. She followed me.
“It's the last resort for getting all the way into the inner circle.” Bella put her hand on my arm, and I gave her a look similar to the one she gave the guy in the club.
“Forget it.” I shook her off to get a water bottle out of the fridge.
“Edward.” Her tone had turned pleading.
“Goddammit, Bella! I’m not going to murder someone in cold blood to avenge your father’s death for you! There are some lines I simply can't and won’t cross.”
I could feel the anguish rolling off of me and hitting her. She took it all, though, the anger and the frustration, and for once she didn't push my buttons.
She sighed and went back to the couch. “I’m out of ideas, Edward.” Her hands went to her hair and she glanced up at me as I rejoined her.
“I understand that. Normally, I have to be prepared to be undercover for the long haul. Some cases take years. Information doesn't fall in my lap, and criminals don't trust easily. The only reason I’m in as far as I am is that I was vouched for through another Family, and because I took that bullet for Carlisle.” I subconsciously rubbed the spot on my shoulder that sported a red scar.
“I need to know who it was. Neither Emmett nor Jasper are the type to get their hands dirty. They hired someone, and that person is a traitor in my mind. I can't cut two heads off a three headed monster and then ignore the lingering threat. I’m out of options.”
“Yeah, well, you can't ask someone who’s sworn to uphold the law to turn around and commit a capital offense.”
“Hypothetically, if someone were to take out the threat that has Emmett on edge, that person would then gain extraordinary favor with a high powered criminal critical to a federal case.”
I groaned. “You’re relentless.”
“I’m ruthless.”
“Then you kill him!” I exploded. “I'll even look the other fucking way. I know I’m out here breaking all kinds of rules, but for the love of God, Bella, don't ask this of me.”
She sighed heavily and stood, holding her hand out to me. I took it, bewildered at the gesture. She pulled me the short distance to the bedroom and shoved me down on the bed. Right about the time I was thinking she’d lost her damn mind, she pulled the covers back on the opposite side and crawled in. Like it was nothing at all, she laid her head on the pillow and closed her eyes. I guess I was invited to sleep in the bed with her.
Except I couldn't sleep. I pulled off my shoes and jeans and lay on top of the covers with my eyes wide open. I couldn't cross the line into murder. What happened to Petey played back in my mind when I let my guard down. I hated the idea of a life taken, unless it was in self-defense with no alternative. I wasn't even sure I could actually turn a blind eye as I’d promised her, if she chose to go that route herself.
I rolled over and looked at her face, at the smoothness of an untroubled brow. She looked peaceful.
“I know you’re staring at me.”
I laughed. “I thought you were asleep.”
“Nope.” She opened her eyes and I watched as she scooted closer, fussing with the blanket until we were touching. She shifted around until her arm was over me and her head on my chest.
“Why didn't you come to my Omertá ceremony?”
She sighed loudly and cracked an eye open to stare at me. “I wouldn't have been welcome. The Cullen boys would have made sure of that. To top it off, I was meeting with someone that was supposed to have info for me about Daddy, but he tried to force himself on me instead.”
“That was the guy I had to kick out? You’d already knocked him unconscious.”
“I told you I was ruthless. I let you see what you wanted to see.”
“You still do.”
“Go to sleep, Edward.” Conversation over, apparently.
I curled my arm around her body, pulling her close to my side and realizing that I was actually comfortable. As I found contentment in her embrace and felt myself grow drowsy, thoughts of the possibility that I would actually cross the line and kill for her scared the living shit out of me. I was going to have to put up some walls to protect myself from getting in any deeper.
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