I would trade, give away, all the words
That I saved in my heart, that I left unspoken
What hurts the most was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing what could've been
~Aaron Lewis, What Hurts the Most
Kate and I took Vicky to the park about a week after I’d returned. I was enjoying my downtime to an extent, but I also felt a sense of loss. I missed seeing Bella on a daily basis, and ran over the scenario at the diner in my head on repeat. What I should have said, what I should have done. I wished there had been a way to convince Bella that the life she was determined to lead was not the only one available to her. I wanted her to see that she could step away and do other things, though I had no idea what employable skills she possessed. According to her, her father had left her money so she would be able to set up a household without an immediate job. I knew that in the end it didn't matter. I tried to convince myself that I was brooding over a relationship that never actually existed except in my imagination. She hadn't wanted me in the end; all she really gave a shit about was running the Family.
Vicky ran off to the swings while Kate and I sat on a bench in the shade of a large poplar tree that blew in the wind over our heads. School was due to start in the next week, and the weather would begin its decline into a state of Narnia. Everyone had a purpose, a place to go and find their way in life, and I was in a state of limbo.
“I’m going to sell my condo,” I said after a few minutes of sitting silently as I watched my niece run around.
I felt Kate shift to look at me. “That makes me happy. Why do you sound sad about it?”
I sighed and turned to face her, seeing the concern in her eyes. “Because I lived there for ten years, Katie. I went to college there, built a life there. It was my home.”
She rested her hand on my arm and spoke quietly. “Then why the hell are you coming back?”
I found that I could no longer meet her keen gaze. “It’s time to come home. I want something new, and I want to be here for Vicky as she grows.”
“I want you here, too, so don't take my words the wrong way. If you were content there, how are you able to so easily give it up?”
I watched Vicky for a minute as she pumped her legs arrhythmically in her effort to get the swing going. “I never made friends in Seattle, Kat. Why is that? All I did was work and then come here after a case was complete. I made acquaintances, sure. I know my share of people, but I didn't make lasting friendships because I knew I’d have to disappear for untold lengths of time.”
“I can see how that would be sensible, Edward. So then you should be excited to be coming back home, and yet you sound incredibly unexcited.”
I thought about it for a few seconds, then decided if I couldn't trust my sister, who could I trust? “You have to keep this from Mom and Dad.”
“Of course.” Her hand rested on my arm again, warm and reassuring, though her attention was on her daughter.
“I got too involved with the subject of my case.”
I saw her head whip around in my periphery. “How could you be so stupid?”
“Leave it to you to deal in honesty and bluntness.” My voice was as dry as the late summer grass.
“Don't give me that pile of bullshit, Edward Masen. You’re smarter than that, and I thought you were incredibly uptight and conscientious. So, should I repeat my question?”
I smiled at my baby sister, tucked a lock of her dark hair behind her ear, and kissed her cheek. “I fell in love with her.”
It was a simple but true statement. I thought of Bella every moment of every day, no matter how vigorously I tried to expel the thought of her from my mind and my heart.
Katie tilted her forehead down and brought her fingers up as if to hold her head in place. Better than some, my sister understood falling in love with someone that society might tell her was inappropriate. “And how did you leave it with her?”
That brought a deep and ugly chuckle from me. “I left her at her home after she was injured. I saw her the next day at headquarters, but I didn't speak to her. She’s a criminal, Katie, maybe not convicted, but a criminal just the same.”
She hummed. “Meaning you can't have a life with her. I understand the problem. So what now?”
I didn't have an answer for her. That was what I’d spent every waking minute and several uncomfortable dreams worrying about. “I need to move on with my life. I’ll sell the condo in Seattle and find something here, then give a go at a new career.”
“Well, I do know of an empty office space available for lease.”
“Momma! Look at me!”
Katie and I spent a few minutes watching Vicky play around on the balance beam before she moved on to the slides.
“Where is it?” I knew she would understand that I was continuing our conversation.
“In my building. You know what, I could really use a strong mediator for my worst case referrals. Someone that I know will be absolutely impartial in seeking an amiable outcome.”
I chuckled. “Surely you're not suggesting that there are couples you can't fix?”
She groaned. “Sometimes. I’m not a miracle worker.”
“Not possible.”
Kate punched my shoulder. “Thanks, but even I can't fix every relationship. I've heard some complaints about the guy I used to refer my clients to, and I'd rather find someone else. You don't have to stick to divorces, you can mediate contract negotiations and other financial agreements.”
I thought about it. I had a law degree as well as a degree in criminal justice. At one time I thought I'd become an assistant district attorney, but I decided law enforcement was what I wanted instead. “I'll consider it.”
“In the meantime, you could look into charity work.”
“Like Meals on Wheels?” I wrinkled my nose.
“Maybe. I can see the blue-hairs loving you.” Kate laughed riotously and squeezed my bicep. I swatted her away.
“I guess. I've never felt like I was in the right place financially to donate a decent sum to charity.”
“It doesn't have to be a lot, or even money. Your time could be helpful at many types of charities.”
She was right. More than that, I could atone for my sins by serving others. As our afternoon ended and we parted ways, I thought of all that Kate had said. I had the degrees to do the job, if not the experience. I had a little money saved up, and I could use that to start up a business. It would take time to apply for the necessary paperwork and licenses, but the start up costs should be minimal. If the office was furnished, all the better, but I was positive I could tackle that as well, maybe with Mom’s assistance.
My parents had taught me to minimize my liquid assets and invest as often as I could. The interest on returns was worth not having ready cash. Mom and Dad had worked hard to build their business, starting from the ground up and working side by side for more than twenty years to make it what it was. We had never been rich kids spoiled with things, instead being spoiled with time and attention when our parents weren't at work. Kate and I had a great childhood, and I always practiced the same type of work ethic as my parents. I had a high GPA in high school, a scholarship to the university in Washington, and spent many years studying the law and taking criminal justice classes. When I graduated, my parents hoped I’d become a lawyer, successful and happily married with kids by the time I was twenty-five. My plans weren't quite that cut and dry, but they'd been happy for me as long as I was happy. That was typically their stance.
I spent my days looking into what I needed to begin again. I signed a lease for the empty office in Kate’s building. I established a limited liability company, took the steps to become an officially recognized professional mediator, and then I took out ads to promote my business. I knew Kate would send me who she could, but that wouldn't sustain me forever. I needed big corporations to take an interest in me, and judges to take notice of my services and recommend clients to me.
Needless to say, I had a lot of downtime in my empty office when I first opened for business. After I’d rearranged the potted plants Mom foisted on me for the tenth time, I sat down and did what I said I would. I researched local charities and picked a few to visit: disabled veterans, battered women, orphanages, and victim’s advocates. It was overwhelming, and I wanted to help them all. The first thing I did was write a modest check to each of those that I was most interested in. I had to do something, and that was the immediate relief for my guilty conscience. Then I figured it wouldn't hurt to take the checks in personally.
Each person needed something, each group of people had a story that made me tear up. The children with their sad faces that nonetheless met each day with cheerful optimism. The men and women that felt a calling to protect and defend, something that I understood and respected, that came back with bodies that were not quite whole but with a drive that could not be brought low for long. Women that had been taken advantage of in more ways than one, that felt like they had no alternative options. Many of them had kids and only found the courage to finally get out of their situation for the sake of those children. And then the families of crime victims; what was left after violence had taken a life was a broken family that needed answers to heal. They couldn't pay the legal fees to pursue civil cases, or they needed a pro-bono attorney to step up and serve them. The victim’s advocates were wide ranging in age and circumstance, often the extended family hoping to assist the immediate family. They held prayer vigils, they visited law offices, they sent out pamphlets with information about victim’s rights. Their earnestness sent white hot guilt stabbing through my gut.
I needed to help all of them. Needed in a way I had never needed to do something before in my life. I was compelled to help, and it was no longer about the guilt I felt, but about a duty to help those that weren't as lucky as me and Katie had been in our lives. I was grateful to her for her suggestion, and I even prodded her to join me. I managed to extract a promise from her that she and Maggie would join me after Vicky was in school and they could work a break into their schedules. I had finally found a purpose, a peace within myself, and I would convince the world to help in my endeavor if I could. Not surprisingly, Mom and Dad were on board to volunteer as well. They supported more than one charitable organization as it was, and as soon as I pointed out the needs of the one I was involved in, they felt the compulsion that I did to donate time and money to get them off the ground and moving in the right direction. It was the right thing to do, but I enjoyed my time there as well. Faces and stories were becoming familiar as I arrived at the shelter every Wednesday without fail. My new company was slow to get off the ground, but I did have clients a few days a week. I set aside Wednesdays without any meetings so I could go and be Vincent de Paul for the day.
Just a year ago, I hadn't intended to change course so drastically. I hadn't expected to sell my condo in Seattle and live with my parents in Chicago. I hadn't expected to take the money from the sale of said condo and donate it. I hadn't expected to work closely with my sister to become a volunteer at a women’s shelter. All it had taken was the tiny nudge from Katie to show what I needed to do with the rest of my life.
And I found I was truly fulfilled.
Go girl.
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