FAÇADE Chapter 29

I'm scared, oh, so scared
But when you're near me
I feel like I'm standing with an army
When you say you love me
Know I love you more
And when you say you need me
Know I need you more

~Miley Cyrus, Adore You

When I needed every ounce of my patience.

After our smoking bout of office sex, Bella and I kept a respectable distance from each other while we were at the women’s shelter. We had several more dates that included nothing more salacious than dinner and conversation, and then the day came that we were supposed to meet my family. Mom had arranged lunch at a nearby restaurant for more neutral territory than our house. My parents weren't there when I arrived with Bella, but Kate and Maggie were there with Vicky.

“Hi, I’m Kate!” My sister held her arms out, gauging whether or not Bella would be receptive to a hug. Bella tentatively stepped into her embrace.

“I’m Bella. It’s nice to meet you.”

Bella let go of Kate and looked to Maggie. “I’m Maggie, it’s a pleasure to meet you, Bella.” Maggie held out a hand to shake and Bella accepted.

“And this little squirt is Vicky,” I said as I pulled my niece in for a hug and a ruffle of her hair.

“Hi!” She waved as she untangled herself from me and stood in front of Bella. “Mom and Momma said that you’re Uncle Edward's girlfriend. Is that true?”

Bella laughed. “Yes, Vicky, I guess that’s true.”

“Good. He hasn't had a girlfriend in, like, forever. I’m hungry, can we sit down now?” She aimed her question at Maggie, who shook her head.

“Only a child can go from one topic to the other so quickly,” Kate commented.

We waited in the front of the restaurant for Mom and Dad, who arrived about five minutes later. It wasn't as awkward to wait as I thought it would be. Maggie and Bella talked for a while about what had been going on at the charity and why Bella hadn't felt like she could show her face to my sisters.

“I felt so awkward admitting that I was here in Chicago after the way we’d left things in Seattle. I had my staff coordinator accept your volunteer paperwork in my stead. I kept thinking that I needed to find a way to gather the courage to speak to you, but it just wasn't coming to me.”

“I can understand, especially if you didn't enjoy what you were doing in Seattle and thought that Edward might judge you.”

Bella glanced at me. “He’s just such a good guy.”

Maggie grinned. “Yes he is.”

That was about the time Dad came in the door, holding it open for my mother. They came into the foyer area we were standing in and stopped near our group.

“Mom, this is Bella. Bella, this is my mom, Elizabeth.” They sort of grasped hands in a half shake. “Dad, this is Bella. Bella, this is my father, Edward, Sr.”

He shook her hand and they exchanged brief pleasantries while Kate approached the hostess and told her we were ready to be seated. We were led to a large table in the middle of the restaurant big enough for all of us to range out. While we spent a few minutes getting situated and looking at menus, I reached for Bella’s hand and squeezed it in an attempt to reassure her.

Mom closed her menu and aimed her gaze at Bella. “So, Bella, you run the shelter we’ve all been volunteering at. How do you like it?”

Bella looked at Mom to answer her question. “It's been amazing, honestly, to make a difference for these women. My father left me a decent inheritance, and I just sort of realized that I needed to do some good with it.”

“You've done such a lovely job with the center and with the fundraiser. I would say that your father would be very proud of you.”

The hand I was holding trembled. Bella murmured a thank you and buried her face in her menu. The waiter came around and took everyone’s order, and Vicky ran most of the conversation as she discussed school with her grandparents. I chimed in whenever I thought I could, but Bella remained quiet. I wondered what was going on in her mind, but I wasn't going to ask in front of my family. Kate was very accepting of Bella and asked her about where she lived and what her hobbies were, and Bella answered her direct questions. It was just the in-between lulls where she had nothing to interject.

When our meal was over Bella tried to pay, but my father shot her down. He insisted on paying for everyone, despite Kate and I objecting. Dad was good natured about paying for his ‘kids’ meals’, and Bella blushed when he said that. I guessed she was nervous about being referred to as one of his kids.

Kate and Maggie hugged Bella as we got ready to leave, promising to see her soon at the shelter. Victoria was sweet as always and bounced over to kiss Bella on the cheek as she leaned down to say goodbye. Mom hugged Bella lightly, and Dad patted her on the back.

The car ride back to her place was incredibly quiet. I was afraid to say anything to open up the dam until we reached the safety of the interior of her home.

It was mid-afternoon, and the sun slanted in her open curtains along the back of the building. She had a small fenced-in yard that abutted her neighbors’ property on each side. Her kitchen was mostly cream with some brown accents, and she headed straight for the coffee maker.

“I want liquor, but I feel like it’s too early and too reactive, so coffee it is.”

“Okay.” I watched her for a few minutes, the way she darted around the space and kept her hands busy. When the coffee was ready she poured some for the both of us and sat at the little square table next to the bay windows.

“Wanna tell me what has you so worked up? They loved you.” I sat with her and watched as she fidgeted.

She sipped, stared out the window. I waited. A deep breath moved her shoulders, caused a sigh to escape. “That's the problem, Edward. I’m a fraud. They love me, but they don't love Bella Swan, the ruthless killer. They love Bella Swan, the founder of a charitable organization.”

“You're one and the same.” I tried to catch her gaze, but she lowered it to the table.

“No. No, but I thought that I could be. I thought I could outrun what I’ve done, serve penance time and become a new person. But that's not what’s happened. I'm just a pretender.” She shifted her gaze again, so focused out the window that I almost wondered what was out there.

“I disagree, Bella. Look at how far you’ve come. I know you don't feel it, but you've made changes within yourself. You're not hiding from me anymore. You’re telling me how you feel. You were charming and friendly with my sister and her wife. Vicky loved you, or she would have definitely told you otherwise.”

“None of that matters unless they know the truth about me.” Bella's voice had dropped low, a much deeper octave than her usual tone.

“And what good does that do? Kate and Maggie know you were one of the subjects of my investigation. They don't care. They don't think you’re here committing crimes against humanity, they think you're here turning over a new leaf. And because you couldn't stay away from me.” I chuckled lightly, hoping to brighten her mood.

She hummed, took another drink. Wouldn't meet my eyes. Then she was crying in the space of seconds. “Am I always going to feel this way? Like such a horrible human being that I don't even want to look myself in the mirror? I don't like what I see, Edward. What do I do?”

The devastation on her face was hard to see, knowing she truly felt evil. “What you've been doing. You persevere, because that’s the Bella Swan I know. You talk to the counselors, you talk to me. You don't close yourself off from society, either, because we need you. The women at that shelter need you. You have an underlying strength that not everyone has the chance to see, but I do. I see you, Isabella Swan. You’re working on that better person, and you grieve for what you once were. That’s okay.”

“I don't want to wallow. I don't want to drag you down with me. You deserve better than me.”

“It’s for me to decide that, not you. I love you despite what your past is, remember?” I reached out and covered her hand with mine. She flinched, but refused to look at me.

“I don't know how you could.”

“Because of the potential I see for what you can become. You’re going to do more and more good things, and I hope to be by your side while you do them.”

“See, you're too good for me.”

I smiled. “Maybe.”

She looked at me then and rolled her eyes. It was fitting that the first time she actually looked at me was to ensure I knew how not funny I was.

“What do you want to do with your day off?” I asked once I sensed that the worst was over.

“Honestly, can we just curl up on the couch? I haven't had that luxury in a while, at least not with you by my side.”

“Okay.”

We moved into the living room and sat together, Bella leaning up against my side and switching on the television. After about fifteen minutes had passed with no sound from her, I thought she was interested in what was on, but instead I discovered she was crying silently.

“Hey, what’s this? I thought we agreed you were doing well and to relax.” I shifted us so I could wipe the tears from her cheeks.

“I can’t!” Her silent tears turned into sobbing. I held her tightly to me and let her break, let her cry her eyes out while I held her together. I had a feeling this wouldn't be the last time she felt like she was a failure or a bad person. The things she’d done would likely haunt her for a long time. She’d thought she wasn’t broken anymore, but I wasn't able to fix her magically.

“It's going to be all right. I don't know when, but eventually.”

Bella held me tightly until she’d cried out all her tears, then reached over to the side table for a tissue. “I’m sorry for falling apart on you.”

“You don't have to apologize for your emotions, Bella.”

She kissed me softly and rested her head against me, turning back to the TV. That time she actually did watch the program, at least until she fell asleep.

Unsurprisingly, my sister called me at home later that evening to tell me what she’d thought of Bella.

“She’s nice, and she’s clearly compassionate for those less fortunate. Kind of like my big brother. She seemed like she was nervous, but that’s to be expected.”

“She thought you would hate her for what she did before she came here, but I told her you didn't know all the details.” I was folding laundry as we spoke, and I shifted the phone to my other ear.

“You know, I thought she’d be different. More rough, maybe. She’s not a hardened criminal like I pictured in my mind.”

I tried to picture that, too. Couldn't. “She’s changed since I first met her, that’s for sure.”

“And her dad was a sore subject. Mom told her he’d be proud of her and she shut down, closed off.”

“You read that situation like a book. She’s touchy about him because he was set up and murdered, and she always wished she could have stopped it from happening. They were extremely close after her mother died.”

“Poor thing. Is she seeing a counselor of any type?”

I laughed. “The shrink recommending a shrink. Not surprising. But yes, she sees one of the counselors at the shelter.”

“Just tell her to make sure she’s completely honest. They're not going to tell anybody what she’s divulged, and they can't fully help her if she's holding back out of fear.” She made a good point, and I wondered if Bella had truly opened up. I knew it was another subject I would have to raise with her.

“I'll be sure to tell her.”

“Good. Now, we’re having a Halloween party and want to know if you and Bella can come. Vicky insisted I invite Bella, even though I was already planning on it. We don’t have a date set yet, it depends on when everyone is free.”

“I'm sure we can come, but let me ask Bella. Let me know once you nail down a date.”

“Fantastic. Maggie says hi.”

I smiled. Maggie was as much my sister as Kate. I was positive she’d be calling me tomorrow. “Tell her I said hello.”

“Okay, Edward, good night.”

I bid her good night and hung up, dropping my phone on the bed. I finished with my clothes and wondered what I was going to do about Bella. I wanted her to feel whole, but it seemed that it would take more time than I’d thought. She was always so confident in the past that it was a shock now to see her so out of sorts. It would take patience, without a doubt, but I had faith we would be successful.