From the moment the lights went off
Everything had changed
Lie awake in an empty room
In my head it all feels the same
Like the taste of the day I left
That still lingers on my breath
And the dampness of tears that left
A stain where you had wept
No need to cry about it
I cannot live without it
Why do you do this to me?
You penetrate right through me
If I took you for granted
I apologize for acting tough
You're my reason for living
And there's no way I'm giving up
No need to cry about it
But I may just die without it
~Maroon 5, Back At Your Door
January 2012
EPOV
I'm more nervous today than I was on my own wedding day. It's been a little over six months since I left Bella, and I just want everything to go smoothly when I see her again.
I'm pacing by the front doors of the venue, watching the handful of guests trickle in. It's still early, so I don't know when she'll show. I look at each face, each person that means so little to me right now.
I feel like a teenage virgin about to finally get laid.
My tie is strangling me. There's something crushing my chest. I can't breathe.
Jesus Christ, I have to get out of here before the panic attack overwhelms me.
As I stumble out into the sunshine and brisk air, my hands pressed to my chest where my heart is supposed to be, I hear it.
The most beautiful, melodic sound in the universe.
"Edward?"
The constriction eases immediately, and I can breathe again. I straighten up. She's standing there, a vision in a long green dress, pulling off a coat as she prepares to step inside. Her hair is longer, thick and shiny, waving and curling down over her breasts. I try not to notice that those are different as well, larger and fuller like her abdomen. There's a flush on her face, and her eyes are bright, focused on my face as she bites her red lip.
"Bella," her name rushes out of me like a benediction.
"Are you. . ." She looks over her shoulder.
"No! No, I was, uh, looking for you. Um." I swallow, back to being the nervous teenager about to jizz in his pants.
"Okay. Can we go inside?" She sounds so serene, and I falter again.
Does she still want to reconcile? Has she moved on? These things are running through my mind as I gesture for her to precede me back inside. There are more people arriving, milling around in the foyer, and people keep coming up to me, congratulating me on my sister's behalf. I'm getting exasperated.
I just want to make out with my wife in the janitor's closet, for God's sake.
She stands near me, about an arm's length away, as more guests come up to me. I surreptitiously study her dress, dark green and floor length, long sleeved with a scooped neck. I take her coat from her and our fingers brush, her gasp quiet as sparks seem to jolt between our hands. The flush has spread from her face down her chest, and she's breathing a bit faster.
I need to adjust my pants, but it's too crowded in here for that. I guess my dick missed her as much as I did, because I can't stop staring at how gorgeous she is.
Emmett and Rose come around the corner just then, and their daughter comes as fast as she can ahead of them. She's in a little white, fluffy dress, ready to be the flower girl.
Vera sees Bella and me first, and she stops short.
Emmett looks up from his wife's cleavage as she stops, too. We all sort of stare at each other for a second.
"Bella?" says Rose.
"Annie Bewwa!" Vera screams, running toward Bella. I watch in fascination as Bella holds a hand out to steady herself on the wall and uses the other hand to pull up the hem of her dress. She kneels, and both my hands shoot out towards her, but I don't touch her.
Vera launches herself into Bella's arms, her legs tangling in the bottom of her dress. Bella helps her extricate her Mary Jane's, and Vera just laughs and starts babbling, then she presses kisses to Bella's lips.
The magical sound of Bella laughing completely heals the fractures in my heart. She's happy, and that's what matters most.
Emmett and Rosalie unfreeze and come over to us, and Bella looks up. She sets Vera on her feet, and I gently grasp her upper arm to help her stand. Tears swim in my eyes as I realize that it's such an insignificant touch, but she meets my eyes and smiles kindly.
"Thanks for the help." Bella turns to the McCartys.
"Hey, guys."
Emmett, the bastard, steps right up to her and engulfs her in a bear hug. She wraps her arms around his middle, and it looks like she's squeezing him tightly.
"I missed you, little sister," I hear from Emmett, muffled as he buries his head in the top of her hair.
He releases her, and Rose comes for a turn. The two ladies seem to hug more fiercely, their slender arms wrapped tightly around each other's shoulders.
When they pull apart, they both laugh lightly and wipe the corners of their eyes.
I still haven't touched more than her arm.
The doors in front of us open, and Jasper comes out, looking excited and not at all nervous. He spots us, coming over to stand next to Bella.
"Sunshine," he nods. "I'm glad you came."
Bella nods back, and I notice they don't look interested in hugging. I can't figure that one out.
"It's time for the wedding party to get situated, and the guests to be seated," he says.
"Okay," I respond, turning to Bella. I'm suddenly absolutely terrified she'll vanish when I step away. "I'll find you after the ceremony, yes?"
She bites her lush red lip and nods.
I'm swept away with the others, Jasper, Emmett and I going to the the altar while Rosalie disappears through a door to the back. The guests come in and take seats, and I watch Bella make her way to a chair near the front, on the groom's side. She's glowing, and I feel this warmth spread through me as I look down at her from my place next to Jasper.
Then the music changes, and Mom appears at the other end of the aisle, looking younger than ever. She slowly walks up to the front, and stands at the far end opposite Emmett. Rosalie comes next, walking with Miss Truvy as she grasps handfuls of white rose petals from the basket Rose is carrying, and tossing them in the air. She laughs as they float down around her feet, then does it again. Everyone chuckles at her, and then Rose hands her off to her parents before joining Esme, standing in the Matron of Honor's place.
When the music changes again, Ali makes her way down the aisle, holding on to our father's arm as they make their way to the slow march of the song. I find myself tuning out the ceremony once she reaches us, instead staring at Bella as she watches her best friend marry my sister. I'm tuned in enough to hand Jasper my sister's wedding band, and Rose does the same for Alice. It seems to be over so quickly, and then the guests are standing as Alice and Jasper clasp hands and head back down the aisle. There're to be pictures before we go anywhere, and the reception is on the same floor, just a few rooms down.
I panic when I can't find Bella where I last saw her. She's not near her seat, not anywhere on that row or the next, and I start to push people aside as I head to the front rooms, sweat popping out on my forehead. She couldn't have left. She said she'd see me after the ceremony.
Damn it.
Frantically, I make it back to the foyer, and finally see her as she emerges from the ladies room. I rush to her, feeling like a lunatic. She has a startled look on her face as I come up to her quickly.
"I-I couldn't find you, and I. . .uh, I'm glad I did." I sound like an idiot.
"I just needed to run to the restroom." She strokes her belly, and I feel a sharp pang of jealousy. "It's an hourly event, sometimes more."
I'm struck again at how serene she seems. Confident, relaxed. "Oh, yeah. I see." And I still sound like a bumbling idiot.
"Edward! Pictures!" Emmett calls from down the corridor, and I cringe. When am I going to catch a break?
"Will you come?" I ask. If I can talk her into it, I want pictures of her looking so spectacular. She nods, and follows me to the spot previously picked out for pictures. There's a lovely mosaic on the wall in jewel tones, and Alice and Jasper are standing in the middle, the rest of the family spread out as they wait for the photographer to arrange them. I point to a spot against the wall.
"Stay," I order. She rolls her eyes and leans against the wall.
When we've taken a million pictures, I ask everyone if Bella can join us, and Alice agrees. We take several group shots with her in them, then everyone melts away as if on some silent cue, and it's just me and Bella and the photographer.
He suggests a pose, and I realize that I finally get the chance to touch her, to feel like her husband again for a few glorious moments. I stand behind her, and her body fits perfectly against mine as she lines up in front of me. I lean into her, breathing deeply and closing my eyes as I place my hands on her stomach, finally feeling our baby. There's a bumping as the baby kicks, and I gasp a little in wonder, grinning like a fool. Bella turns to look at me, moving my hand so I can feel another kick. I'm vaguely aware of the click-click of the camera, and I'm grateful that he's capturing all of it.
And then we're alone, finally. I've stepped away from her, and she's facing me, and I'm mute. There's a lump where the words are supposed to be. I don't know where to start, and I don't know what to say.
"Edward? Do you want to talk now, or later?" she says gently.
Now, of course. But is that what she wants? How about I kiss you with all of my pent up desire, and we skip the reception so I can get to know your body again, the way it's changed since I last touched it?
Instead, I say, "Now, if that's okay with you."
"Of course." She pushes her hair out of her face. "I don't know where to start."
"Are you happy?" I blurt out.
"Yes, Edward, I'm happy. Are you?" she returns.
This is not the answer I wanted. Of course I want her to be happy, just not without me. "I'm not exactly happy, no." She frowns at my response. "I think I've come a long way since June, and I've resolved some issues, but I'm not happy overall. I pushed you away, thinking you would find happiness without me. If that's the case, if you really are happier without me, then I can't stand in your way. If you've moved on with someone else, then I only have myself to blame."
"Someone else?" she questions, and I feel like an ass.
"I admit, when I saw you a couple of months ago, outdoors somewhere, that's why I started sending flowers and the letters. You were with a man, a guy, and I saw that you were pregnant. I don't even know-"
"Just like this baby is yours, so am I. I've never not been yours."
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