I'm not a perfect person
There's many things I wish I didn't do
But I continue learning
I never meant to do those things to you
And so I have to say
That I just want you to know
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I'm sorry that I hurt you
It's something I must live with everyday
And all the pain I put you through
I wish that I could take it all away
And be the one who catches all your tears
That's why I need you to hear
I've found a reason for me
To change who I used to be
A reason to start over new
and the reason is you
I've found a reason to show
A side of me you didn't know
A reason for all that I do
And the reason is you
~Hoobastank, The Reason
January 1, 2012
BPOV
Almost Due
I don't feel as nervous as I thought I would, getting ready for Alice's wedding. I asked Carmen to come over and help me out, and she encourages me to go more glamorous than I would have on my own. My emerald dress is long, with a low scoop neck and lacy bodice. The empire waist makes it incredibly comfortable, the way it flows down loosely to give baby girl plenty of room.
I look myself over in the mirror, my hair curly and arranged over the front of my shoulders. It's grown like crazy since I became pregnant, and I'm pleased with the way it looks now. My eye makeup is a bit heavier, my lips bright red.
I'm excited as I get in the car Carmen is loaning me, since it's more comfortable to sit in than the truck. She leans in and kisses my cheek, wishing me luck and telling me not to take no for an answer.
When I park and head towards the large double doors at the entrance of the hotel, I stop when I see Edward emerging. I'm in the middle of taking my coat off, wanting to give the best impression as I head in.
He looks stricken, and I stop walking to watch him. His face is ashen, his hands clenched over his shirt like he's about to rip it off. I feel so bad for him, I decide to let him know I'm here.
"Edward?"
His head snaps up, and his face relaxes completely. His eyes roam over me, and I do the same with him; drinking in the sight of him like someone who's dehydrated. He's so handsome in his tuxedo, and it reminds me of the day we were married. His clean shaven face shows off his strong, sharp jaw, and I linger on his full lips and expressive mouth. I would love nothing more than to rush forward and kiss him stupid.
His eyes are dark, more evergreen than emerald, as he stares at me in disbelief.
"Bella," my name rushes out of him in a whoosh, like it feels strange in his mouth and he's spitting it out.
"Are you. . ." I'm not sure where he was heading, so I gesture over my shoulder.
"No! No, I was, uh, looking for you. Um." It's so sweet how flustered he sounds.
"Okay. Can we go inside?" I ask. It's pretty cold.
I don't think it's appropriate to touch him this early on, but I'm glad he can finally see me pregnant. His letters have mentioned wanting to wait for me to be ready to come back to him; now at least we can spend a few weeks together before our baby is born. We stand together in the hallway, and people coming in stop to tell him they're happy for his sister, to give him congratulations to pass on. He's obviously getting frustrated, but he offers to take my coat to hang on the rack. His fingers brush mine, and I gasp as I feel the heat and familiar lightning from his fingertips, a feeling that spreads throughout my body. It's been so long.
Emmett and Rose come around the corner with Vera, and true to her nature, she launches herself at me. I carefully lower myself to her height and catch her in my arms. I close my eyes as I hug her tightly, then smile at her as she talks rapidly, and kisses me. There's no resisting her charm, and I laugh at her huge smile. When I stand again Edward helps me, and I feel branded where he touched me.
Emmett hugs me, followed by Rose. I tear up at the thought of how I missed the two of them very much.
When Jasper comes up to us, I can see he's still mad at me, though he greets me in his usual manner. He's the only one I had contact with early on, and I know from our conversations that he's hurt I haven't seen him. Still, it's a relationship that'll repair more easily than the one I tentatively have with Edward.
The ceremony seems to fly by; I'm aware of Edward watching me, but by the time they're announced husband and wife, I have no choice but to rush to the bathroom.
I'm startled to see him running at me when I come back out, but then I read the expression on his face. He's terrified, likely thinking I've left without talking to him.
I'm more than happy to join them in the pictures; in a perfect world, I was meant to be a bridesmaid instead of Esme. It feels comfortable, exactly like we've never been apart.
When everyone leaves, and it's just the two of us and the photographer, I know what I want. I want Edward's hands on me, and I know how to get what I want. The standard maternity pose with the man behind the woman, cradling her pregnant belly. It's amazing when she kicks his hand, and he looks down in awe. She does it again, and I move his hand to feel it. This was all I ever wanted, and I know that I'm completely healed in this moment. Edward had the chance to feel the baby kick, and I feel certain that even if he can't forgive me, he'll at least stay friends with me and we can raise our daughter together.
And then it's just the two of us. He seems to be at a loss for words, so I decide to take pity on him, because I can see all over his face how he's feeling.
"Edward, do you want to talk now, or later?" I ask gently.
He fidgets, looking nervous, annoyed, and frustrated. "Now, if that's okay with you."
"Of course," I reply, pushing my heavy hair out of my face. "I don't know where to start."
"Are you happy?" he blurts out. That's not exactly what I thought he'd say.
"Yes, Edward, I'm happy. Are you?" I don't have to think about it; I've spent months working to ensure I can be happy on my own, no matter what comes my way. With or without Edward.
"I'm not exactly happy, no." I frown at his response. It's all I want for him. "I think I've come a long way since June, and I've resolved my issues, but I'm not happy overall. I know I pushed you away, thinking you would find happiness without me. If that's the case, if you really are happier without me, then I can't stand in your way. If you've moved on with someone else, then I only have myself to blame."
Oh, God. He saw me, he knew that I'm pregnant, and now he thinks I've moved on with someone else?
"Someone else?" I question, to be positive we're on the same page.
"I admit, when I saw you a couple of months ago, outdoors somewhere, that's why I started sending flowers and the apology letter. You were with a man, a guy, and I saw that you were pregnant. I don't even know-"
"Just like this baby is yours, so am I. I've never not been yours." I interrupt him to ease his suffering, because I'm tired of all of this. "Look, I love you." His entire face lights up with those words. "It felt like it was the end of the world when I lost our first baby, followed by my parents. I was angry about all of it, thinking everyone had left me. It was stupid of me to forget that you were always there for me, in all of the ways you knew how."
He runs his hands through his hair, stepping closer to me. I can feel the emotions vibrating off of his body, and they mirror my own.
"I kept feeling like I wasn't supposed to love you anymore. But I do, Bella. I love you more than ever, and I'll never forgive myself for leaving," he says, almost desperately.
"There's nothing to forgive," I say honestly. "We have plenty of time to talk about all of it, but can you just. . .God, just kiss me."
He immediately takes my face in his hands, and presses his lips to mine. It feels just like he's branding me with his touch. I wind my hands in his hair, tilting my face up and rising on my tiptoes. It's everything I've longed for, for too many months. His body curls around my belly, and we somehow fit together like we were never apart.
His mouth moves urgently against mine, nipping my lips, stroking his tongue against mine. I can hardly breathe for the excitement racing through my veins, and I break away to drag in a long breath, then press against him again.
When I feel wetness between my legs, at first it doesn't surprise me. Edward has always had that effect on me. Then a feel a sharp pain in my abdomen, and I stand very still. Edward realizes I'm frozen, and stops kissing me, looking at my face.
"I-I think. . .I think my water just broke," I say, feeling stunned.
He looks at me funny, then understanding dawns on his face.
"We're having a baby!" he shouts.
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