Without hope my body starts to fail
Memories fade but the scars still linger
Goodbye my friend
Will I ever love again
Memories fade but the scars still linger
I cannot grow
I cannot move
I cannot feel my age
The vice-like grip of tension holds me fast
Engulfed by you
What can I do
When history's my cage
Look forward to a future in the past
Memories fade but the scars still linger
~ Tears for Fears, Memories Fade
April 2010
Something was off, but I wasn't sure what it was.
It was most likely me.
There was something wrong with me.
I was wrong.
I knew three months wasn't a long time, but I still wasn't pregnant. It's irrational to be so impatient after such a brief time, but it's still there.
That feeling of failure.
I wanted to talk about it with Siobhan, but this was the second week she had missed. I was worried about her. Carmen tried to convince me not to worry, but she was obviously also nervous about her missing so many days. Siobhan was not a young woman, and we both realized we didn't know enough about her to locate her in an emergency.
Leaving the library that day, I was immersed in wondering about the kind old lady that had become my dear friend in the past few months. I sat in the truck for a minute before putting it in reverse and looking in my mirror. What I saw had me slamming on the brakes and throwing it back in park.
Fucking Mike.
Mike was standing across the street. The same Mike that had a restraining order that stated he had to keep 50 feet away from me and my place of employment at all times. I had poor enough spatial reasoning that I wasn't sure how far away he actually was. I was assuming it was past the fifty foot rule.
I couldn't take it anymore.
I shoved my door open, leaving it that way with the ignition still running, and charged to the end of the parking lot. I stood there at the edge of the street and just lost it.
"What the fuck is wrong with you?! You didn't even know me until you became my boss! What could you possibly want from me?! I have never done anything to you but keep my mouth shut when you were treating me like shit!"
He stood still, not moving, not blinking. There was no emotion on his face, and nothing at all in his dead eyes.
This pushed me further over the edge.
"God damn it!" I screamed at the top of my lungs in his direction. The next car to pass actually slowed and the driver stared at me out the window. I was shaking, and my head was pounding. I thought I would be sick right there on the sidewalk in front of God, strangers, and my fucking stalker.
Then he laughed.
Full on, that's-the-funniest-thing-I've-ever-seen belly laughter. He bent at the waist and propped his hands on his knees.
That was the first time I realized he had a bald spot on the top of his head.
"That's what I want from you," he said in his terrifying lifeless voice.
I felt a wave of cold wash over me, just like a bucket of ice water had been dumped on my head.
I pulled my phone out of my pocket. I calmly dialed 911.
Then I called Edward and asked him to meet me at the library while I watched Mike watching me. We were having a stand off across the street from each other.
I tuned out Edward's curses.
I called the library's main number, speaking quickly to Carmen when she answered. She came out immediately, standing right by me and putting an arm around my shoulder.
"What's he doing?" she whispered.
"He's a fucking lunatic!" I shouted. He grinned like this amused him, then turned and walked away into the park.
"Figures," Carmen said.
I filed a report when the police showed up, and as we were finishing Edward pulled in behind the truck. Carmen had long since turned it off and handed me the key. She waited to close the library once he arrived, afraid to leave me alone.
"I lost control, Edward. I was fracturing, and he was laughing at me."
"Fucker left just before the cops came, of course," he muttered. "They told me he's within the limits of the order. Fifty feet is ridiculous for someone like him. It should have been 500."
I let him rant. We would both feel better once we got home.
~~~oOo~~~
Carmen came to me later in that same week, a newspaper in her hand. The look on her face was too much. Too much pain, too much responsibility. I knew how she felt. I was striving for a place of perfection; happy husband, beautiful new house, baby, volunteer of the month. Perfect friend, perfect daughter, perfect wife. Nobody was putting pressure on me but me, yet I couldn't shake the feeling that I was doing everything wrong.
"I have to show you this," she said, and her voice was thick with emotion. Sick dread washed through my belly. She was crying now, and somehow I knew. "It's the obituaries from a few days ago. I j-just started looking, you know? We haven't heard from her, so I looked. I hoped I was wrong, but..."
I looked at the newspaper she was holding out to me. Byrne, that was her last name. Found dead in her home when neighbors had not seen her for a few days. Heart attack in her bed.
That was good, as death goes. Peacefully going in your sleep.
There's nothing peaceful about death for the ones left behind.
Tears were streaming down our faces, and we hugged each other tightly. I needed her support.
One more thing gone wrong.
I was such a mess that I had to take some time to calm down before leaving. Carmen walked me to my truck, and sure enough, Mike was across the street again. I did not bother to yell and scream, just seethed silently in the truck. I wished I could run him over as I pulled out, but he was on the grass. I didn't think it would go very well if I literally mowed over him and the grass of the park.
I called Alice on the way home, and she and Rose showed up shortly after I got to the house. Alice brought wine, Rose brought ice cream.
I had purposely been avoiding Rosalie.
Her pregnant belly, glowing face and shiny hair made me rage with jealousy, and that wasn't fair.
Not to her or to myself.
I needed to admit to myself that it was cathartic to have a good laugh with the girls and gorge on ice cream, getting tipsy on wine.
Edward came home from work to find that the only sober woman in his house was the pregnant one. Luckily, she was going to drive Alice home later. Alice and I were in hysterics, and I couldn't remember what we were laughing about. Edward just smiled indulgently as he left us in the kitchen to change his clothes upstairs.
"I'm going to jump him as soon as you two leave," I said mildly, and Alice laughed loudly.
Rose snorted. "What are you doing for your anniversary?" she asked, digging her spoon deep into her ice cream.
"I don't know," I sighed. "I haven't been in the mood to talk about it, but I suppose it would be nice to get away."
"You should," Alice said. "Lotta shit goin' down here for you. Take a break." She was right. They left half an hour later, Rose promising us to be careful.
As soon as they were gone, I eyed my yummy husband. "Down here or up there?" I asked, assuming he would know what I meant.
He grinned, and it lit up his whole face. "Here," he growled, and moved around the island to trap me against it. His hands went in my hair, and I eagerly tilted my face to his, delighting in the electricity that pulsed between us when we were together like this. He snaked his tongue out, tracing my lower lip before devouring my mouth with his, and his tongue pushing its way into my mouth. He moved his hands to the hem of my shirt, only breaking the kiss to pull it off over my head. Then his hands moved to my breasts, which caused moans to erupt deep in my throat. My nipples peaked as he rolled them in his fingers, and I reached behind me to unclasp my bra.
He dipped his head to take a nipple into his mouth, and I cried out and held his head to me. He hitched my skirt up to my waist, his warm hands splaying over my hips before he lifted me up to set me on the countertop. I moaned loudly when he dipped his head, pushing my panties aside and kissing my inner thighs. My legs went to his shoulders as his tongue made a sweeping pass up my slit. I cried out when he circled my clit with his thumb, and his impatience made him rip my panties. He licked again, and my hips bucked into his face, my breathing heavy as he teased me with his tongue. My head dropped back and my arms braced behind me.
It didn't take long for me to shudder, my muscles clenching as I called his name. I heard a chuckle and the sound of his zipper, and lifted my head as he came forward, sliding his hard cock into my waiting warmth.
"Shit, Bella," Edward moaned.
"So good," I responded, wrapping my arms around him as he pushed forward and our bodies met in a sweaty dance. He pulled my ass closer to the edge of the counter, and I tilted to receive him at the best angle. It was awkward, but it felt great anyway, and I tangled my hands in his hair when he thrust hard a few last times, my name and a string of curses falling from his full lips. I kissed him as he came, his soft mouth too irresistible.
"I needed you," I admitted. He helped me down, handing me my clothes. I slipped my shirt on without worrying about my bra.
"What happened?"
"Siobhan died. Carmen found it in the obits." Tears escaped my eyes as I said the words out loud. It somehow made it more real.
"Oh, baby." Edward hugged me to him, and I gripped his shirt in my hands.
"Mike was across the street again, but I ignored him. I don't have the energy to deal with him."
"That's what he's counting on, Bella." He sounded angry.
"I'm sure you're right, but I don't want to give him the satisfaction like I did the other day." I snuggled my head under his chin.
"Okay, you're right. Just tell me when he shows up." He stroked his hands down my hair.
"I will." It was a promise I kept breaking as often as I made it.
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