I sit alone and watch the clock
Trying to collect my thoughts
All I think about is you
And so I cry myself to sleep
And hope the devil I don't meet
In the dreams that I live through
All the smiles you had to fake
And all the shit you had to take
Just to lead us here again
I never have the things to say
To make it all just go away
To make it all just disappear
Believe in me
I know you've waited for so long
Believe in me
Sometimes the weak become the strong
Believe in me
Life's not always what it seems
Believe in me
Cause I was made for chasing dreams
It's my life
It's my choice
Hear my words
Hear my voice
And just believe
~Staind, Believe
EPOV
February 2012
It's been about a month since Bella gave birth to our daughter. It feels like we've been avoiding the big talk that I know we need to have. I'm eager to show Bella how far I've come, and how much I know deep down that I can't live without her. Not without being miserable, at least.
Days and nights are consumed with Charlie, rightfully so. She is such a pretty, happy baby, with dark hair and grey-blue eyes. She's long and slender, and I can't get over her pink cheeks and perfect pink mouth. Bella says her eyes are so dark that they will probably darken to brown within a year.
That's fine with me; it means she'll be the spitting image of Bella.
My mom has spent a lot of time at our house, helping us at night especially. Then one day I realize she tends to orbit around Bella.
"Ma, do you follow Bella around because you think she can't handle the baby?" I finally ask her when we're both in the kitchen. She stops washing the bottle in her hand, turning to stare at me.
"I should smack you for that." She shakes her head disapprovingly. "It's because I've missed her so much, you dolt."
I look at her in surprise, feeling stupid. "Oh."
"And she knows it, too, so don't think I'm making her feel inadequate." She leaves me standing there, muttering under her breath.
So I guess I pissed her off.
I'm impressed with the woman Bella has become in the months we were apart. She's confident, calm, and seems to know exactly what to do with Charlie. Where I fumble to figure out why she's crying, Bella just picks her up and fixes the problem, often only needing to sway back and forth with her a little. It's as though she was simply made to be a mother.
I decide one night when Charlie is down for the next few hours that I want to approach Bella to talk. I find her sitting in one of the armchairs in our bedroom, folding the tiny clothes that invade the laundry these days. She looks up at me and smiles as I come in.
"Can I help?" I ask, grabbing something out of the basket and sitting in the other chair. I hold it up, looking at the snaps and the flap, and I have no clue what to do with it.
"If you can," she responds, with a laugh in her voice.
I simply fold it in half and grab another. It may not look as pretty as hers, but I can figure it out enough to be helpful.
"I want to talk," I state, somewhat like an announcement. I don't know how else to start what we've been putting off. Still, I feel like an ass with the way I blurted it out.
Her hands drop to her lap and she leans back. "Okay."
I guess this means I have to go first. I don't know why I feel like apologizing before we've even started. "I just want to make sure we really are in the same place." I tug on my hair in frustration.
"I think we are." I can see she is really not going to make this easy on me.
"We need to discuss what went on while we were apart," I try to hint.
"And by we, you mean me." She raises her brow like Rosalie. I'm not fooling her at all.
"Fine, I'll start." I clench and unclench my hands, knowing how much this is going to suck. "I stayed at Mom and Dad's for a week. Mom convinced me that I needed to grieve for our son, and made it clear I was an idiot for leaving. I cried, a lot." She frowns. "I let out the feelings that were always hovering, how guilty I felt for leaving, your parents, the baby." I draw in a deep breath and let it out. "I realized I couldn't stay with Mom and Dad, so I left and went to Alice and Jasper. He made it clear he held us both responsible." She nods. "Alice said she'd seen you out running errands, and that you looked healthier and happier. That was hard for me, I admit."
"Why was hearing that I was better, hard for you?" she asks with an edge to her voice.
"Because I only left to give you a chance at happiness. I thought I was dragging you down, that I wasn't good enough for you. And at the time, it appeared that I was right, and that me leaving fixed you, made you happy again. That was leftover from Tanya" -she flinches- "and I've realized that. I've worked on regaining my confidence, and realizing that we were made for each other. My only worry is that you don't agree. But you're here, so you must," I finish lamely.
"I do agree, let me get that out of the way." She reaches over and brushes her hand through my hair. "Don't think for one second that I was happier without you. I was able to find a way to be happy on my own, and discovered that I could live without you. But that doesn't mean that I was happier without you."
Hearing her say she could be happy without me hurts, more than I would have thought possible. My hand goes to my chest, pressing against my heart as the familiar ache threatens. I feel the tears pricking at my eyes, threatening to fall.
"Don't do that," she chides. "I choose to live with you, to love you, because that makes me the happiest. You make me happier than I have ever been." She strokes my leg. "You and Charlie," she murmurs. "I didn't realize at first that I was pregnant, and only then did I decide to get up and do something. So I spent our time apart seeing a therapist several times a week. I took walks, I ate healthy. I knew that I needed to get myself together before asking you to come back, even though I was petrified that you didn't want to come back. I was afraid that if I were to tell you I was pregnant, you would have run back for the baby before I could get back on my feet, and everything would still be broken. I'm sorry that I kept you away. I don't know if you can forgive me, but I needed to follow your advice and ask for help. Your constant reminders were part of that help." She smiles tentatively.
"I'm proud of you, Bella," I say quietly. "You went through so much alone. I warred with myself, but I realized in the end that your health was more important than my wants. I realized that we would be back together before the baby came, although the stinker was a little earlier than I expected her to be, and that I could live with that."
"I wasn't entirely alone. I spent time with Carmen and Eleazar. And, of course, I know you want to know about Jake."
My vision blurs at his name. I want to track him down and pummel him for thinking he could ever touch what's mine.
"He's an intern at the obstetrician's, and I've known him since I was little. We played together on First Beach as kids." She's watching my face, and she smoothes her fingers over my brow. "Nothing. . .whatever you might be thinking, he was just a friend." She waves a hand dismissively. "He got too pushy in December, and I had to show him the door."
"Good," I growl. My head is buzzing with the thoughts flicking through it.
"In all honesty, he was a decent friend. I spent some time with him; Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve. I was weak for a brief moment, but I couldn't. . .I don't know how much you want to hear. Nothing at all happened."
"I can't blame you for anything you did while I was gone. Fuck, I'm the idiot that filed separation papers. I was trying to force your hand because I didn't know what you wanted. But, honestly, it would kill me to know that anything had actually. . .happened," I finish quietly.
"I couldn't, Edward. I'm so in love with you, I couldn't imagine not being yours. My goal was always to get you back, no matter how hard I had to work for it. Your continuous letters helped me to remember what I was working towards." She sets aside the laundry basket and gets up, coming to stand in front of me. I lean my forehead against her stomach, and she runs her hands through my hair.
"I love you, Bella. It's a fierce thing, the way I feel for you. I could never make such a horrendous mistake again, I hope you believe me."
"I know, baby." I pull her into my lap, and just hold her. "I think we should see my counselor together for a little while. We both made mistakes, but we can fix them. We can fix us, and we'll be better than ever." I nod in response, knowing she's right.
It's not too long before we each find ourselves moving toward the other, faces inches apart. We're sharing the same breath when Bella looks directly into my eyes. I see the love she still has for me in those deep, expressive orbs. I see the truth there; she has always loved me, and always will. I have been given the gift of redemption, and I know I'll cherish it.
I close the remaining distance between us, kissing her softly, tracing my tongue along the seam between her lips. Her mouth opens, as if on instinct, and I can't help the low moan that rumbles in my chest. I want so much more with her. It's been so damn long since we were able to have sex, but I know she's still healing. I feel like it will never happen, and my dick wants to cry at the thought.
And yet, somehow, this time that we've been back together has been the most intimate time we have ever spent with each other. We've bared our souls, not taking anything for granted.
I still wish I could get inside her pants.
~~~oOo~~~
It's the end of the month, and I realize suddenly what's coming up; the Swans died almost exactly a year ago. I'm nervous about bringing it up to Bella, but honestly, she's an amazing woman that has more strength inside herself than I do.
After a few phone calls, I pack up everything we could possibly need on a cold day for a baby, and ask Bella if she wants to take a drive to Forks.
The car ride is eerily silent. Even though I didn't tell her the plans, I know that she's figured it out. Charlie is asleep in the back seat, and Bella watches the scenery go by. I hold her hand the entire way, realizing what emotions must be swirling around inside.
When we reach the cemetery, I glance between the name I have written down and the names on the mausoleums. Finding the one marked 'Eternal Valor', I pull to the side, putting the car in park and looking over at Bella's profile. I squeeze her fingers in mine, and when she turns to face me, her cheeks are stained with streaks from her tears. When I look more closely, I can see that they've dried up.
"Let's get out," she says quietly, and I nod.
I let her get out and wander over, while I go to the backseat and take Charlie out of her car seat. I pick up the flowers that I laid back there, and carry the two bundles over to my wife. She smiles a watery smile, and takes Charlie from my arms.
"I want to introduce you to your grandparents, Char. I know they would have loved you so much." She heads into the mausoleum, and I wipe the tears from my face as I follow her. We look at the rows until we find the names we're looking for, and Bella stops, running one hand over the front of the niche and murmuring the names and dates.
"Are you okay?" I ask, tucking the flowers into the holders.
"Yeah, I think I am. Charlie, this your grandpa, that Mama named you after. And your grandma was named Renee, that's where your middle name came from." She takes a moment, cradling Charlie close to her, rocking a little from side to side. "They always wanted grandkids, especially Grandpa Charlie. He asked and asked until your daddy and I agreed. I just-" she breaks off, and I pull her to me, holding her close with Charlie tucked between our chests.
"I know, baby," I whisper. "I know."
"I just wish they were still around, you know? So I could laugh at Mom's inappropriate sex jokes, and watch my dad blush. I wish I could feel his mustache tickle my cheek when he gives me a hug. That's something she'll never know, Edward. The sound of their laughter, and their love for one another." She bites back a sob. "I only want it one more time."
Charlie stirs and squawks, and I realize I'm holding them too tightly. I ease up my grip and run my hands soothingly down Bella's head. "It's okay to cry, sweetie. You should let it out." She nods and buries her face in my shoulder, and my heart breaks for her as I hear her soft cries.
"Edward? Bella?" I hear from outside. I lift my head as Mom and Dad step inside the mausoleum with us, followed by Emmett and Rose.
"Hi, guys," I say. Bella lifts her head and looks in the direction of the entrance. Mom and Dad make it to her first.
"Edward was hoping we could offer you some comfort," Mom explains. Dad takes the baby and Mom and Bella hug. I turn to Rose as she and Emmett come closer.
"Alice is coming with V. She wanted to see the plastic flowers on one of the tombstones." Rose shivers delicately. "Not my cup of tea."
Emmett claps me on the shoulder. "I'm glad we could all come, give some small tribute to the Swans. How is she holding up?" he asks, nodding his head toward Bella.
"She's good. She's not bottling it up, she's talking about it and crying some. I hope it's more cathartic than painful."
I look up at Jasper, Alice, and Vera. Jasper is carrying her, and she's talking nonstop. Bella looks up from Esme's embrace, and she smiles. Not a timid, sad smile, but a full blown grin. She looks around at everybody, then hers eyes rest on me. I shrug, smiling back at her.
"You knew exactly what to do, didn't you?" she asks.
"I hoped that I was right. If I'd been wrong, there wouldn't have been much you could throw at me in here." She laughs at me, and Vera squirms down from Jasper's arms.
"Why cryin', Annie Bewwa?" she says in her softest voice.
Bella kneels in front of her, and Vera goes to her and wraps her little arms around Bella's neck. "I was sad just for a few minutes." She looks up and around her. "Now I have everyone here, and I'm not sad anymore."
Vera nods sagely. "Not sad," she repeats. Bella strokes the soft blonde curls on Vera's head before standing back up.
Dad goes to the wall and studies the names the way we did when we came in. I can hear him talking quietly to the baby he's still holding. "This was your other grandpa. He was named Charlie, just like you. I'm sorry that you won't get to know him, but I'll try really hard to be the best grandpa I can for you, baby girl."
And here come the tears. My mother engulfs me in a hug, and Bella wraps her arms around me from the other side. Rose comes over and hugs Bella, and then Alice comes and hugs our mom. I can't stop the flow anymore, and I think I'm crying into Mom's hair, or maybe it's Bella's. I can't see clearly for the flood.
When the girls break away from me, Alice and Bella hold each other tightly for a few more seconds. Being the goof that he is, Emmett comes and hugs me, squeezing until I can't breathe.
"Let go, motherfu-"
"Edward!" my mother says sharply, interrupting my poor choice in words.
"Sorry, sorry." I clap him on the back. "I can't breathe, dude. Let go." He steps away, and I swear I see him swipe at a tear before he turns his face.
"Um, we brought the stuff, if you want to go outside," Alice pipes up.
I nod. "Alice and Jasper brought some things that I asked for. Maybe we can go out and get them."
I can see the curiosity on everyone's faces as we troop together to their SUV. Jasper pops the back open, and I gesture for Bella to sit in the back. Everyone dives in to the vehicle, bringing out chairs, a cooler, and a picnic basket. They set the chairs up and pass around blankets before sitting down. Bella looks the most confused, so I hand her a blanket and sit next to her.
"I thought we could have a little picnic, and talk about our favorite things about your parents." I look up at Alice.
"I have something for you, Bella," she says as she holds out a framed 8x10 picture and a small 3x5. "The little one is to, um…"
"It's so you can leave it with your parents," I finish. I look down at the pictures that Bella accepts. The 8x10 is the one from the wedding that I loved so much, but the smaller one is a snapshot that Alice took in the hospital of Bella holding Charlie in the bed, and I'm sitting next to them.
"Oh, Alice," she breathes. "Thank you so much for your thoughtfulness."
Emmett hands over plastic cups and raises his in the air. "Sparkling cider," he explains as Bella sniffs at hers, and everyone raises their cups. "To Charlie and Renee Swan," he says in his loud bass, and everyone repeats him.
We spend the better part of an hour reminiscing about the times we all spent together. Easter, dinner parties, and getting together in January each year. We're somber, but there's laughter, too, as someone mentions Renee's sense of humor, or Charlie's pride at the biggest fish he'd ever caught. Little Charlie sleeps through most of it, and even Vera drops off in Bella's lap, a blanket tucked around them both.
She looks up at me as we're winding down, the memories coming less frequently now. "Thank you for this, Edward," she whispers. I lean over and kiss her gently, mindful of the toddler in her lap.
"We can do this every year if you want," I tell her.
"I love you," she responds.
I grin. "I know that you do. I love you, too."
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