Sunday, June 25, 2017

Angry All The Time Chapter 32


"There is so much history in the way he looks at her.
In the way he says her name.
When they are together, there is a current that runs between them;
like an electric charge on the verge of erupting into a perfect storm.
I don't love her anymore, he says.
And it's the way he says, her- That tells me otherwise."
~Lang Leav, Her


October
EPOV

I decide to take a run, since I'm feeling so restless cooped up with Alice and Jasper. I love them, but there's only so much wedding prep and lovey-dovey a man getting a divorce can handle. Separation, I correct myself. I'm not even fully on board with that, but it seems the only way to force Bella into making a decision. She's avoiding speaking to anybody, except a text to Jasper now and then to say she's ok. I feel disgust at the idea of no longer being married to Bella, but I am simply at a loss.

I pause at the corner for a light, jogging a bit in place and people watching. There is a cafe across the way that I've never been to, and I watch an older man give his table up for a young lady, which is very chivalrous of him. A truck passes by on the street, belching out fumes that I wave away, and when it moves on down the street, I realize that it's her.

Bella is the woman who's taken the table, not by the railing, but further in. I'd know that gorgeous chestnut hair anywhere. I stand motionless as the light cycles, watching the way the wind plays in her hair the way I used to do. I war with myself. Do I say something? Move on and pretend I don't see her? She looks up and around, but I don't get the impression she can see me. Then I see her look toward the entrance, and a tall, dark man comes toward her as she stands.

She stands, and I stop breathing altogether. My hand shoots out to catch my balance, and I grip the nearest light pole for support.

She's pregnant.

My wife is pregnant, and another man is touching her.

He hugs her, and she laughs.

He moves back, rubbing her stomach in a way that looks possessive to me.

My vision washes red, and I have to choke on the bile that rises up. Turning quickly, I run to the other end of the street, losing whatever was in my stomach into the patch of grass. Shaking, I lean my hands on my knees, bending at the waist and gasping for air.

"Hey, you alright there?" I hear someone ask. I can only wave vaguely and hope they leave me alone. When I finally catch my breath, I look up and realize I'm at one of the downtown parks. I know a shortcut back to Alice's through the park, so I head that way.

I don't speak to either of them when I get back, opting to shut myself in the guest room and strip, showering in scalding hot water before climbing into the bed and hiding under the covers, like a little boy.

When I wake the next morning, the first thing I realize is that I'm starving, having skipped dinner the previous night. I get dressed quickly, grabbing my keys and leaving a note for Alice and Jasper, telling them where I'll be in case they miss me. I hit up the nearest coffee shop for breakfast, texting Emmett while eating.

When I'm done I head to his place, wanting some time with my best friend. I don't know what to think, what to feel. What to fucking do.

He answers my knock and pulls me in for a hug, which is awkward because he's taller than me and I don't like being made to feel like a bitch. My nerves are already on edge.

"Ok, Em. Let go," I say, slapping him on the back.

"To what the hell do I owe the pleasure, man?" He steps back to let me into their house.

I run my hand through my hair, scrubbing it down over my eyes. "Can we sit?"

"Yeah, of course. What's up?"

We move to the island, each taking a bar stool. "I saw Bella yesterday," I blurt out.

He studies my face. "How'd she act?"

"I didn't speak to her. I saw her at an outdoor table at a cafe while I was running."

"Oh. Well, why didn't you go over and say hello or something?"

"Edward, you saw Bella?" I hear from Rose as she comes into the kitchen. She stands next to Emmett, and the two of them study me like I'm a science experiment.

"Yeah, and she wasn't alone." I need to say the most important part, but the words don't want to come out of my mouth.

Rose gasps quietly. "Oh, wow. How are you holding up?" Her brow goes up as she asks.

"That's not even the worst part." I take a deep breath. Gotta spit it out, but it's stuck in my throat. "She stood to greet the guy." I cough to clear the obstruction. "And she's. . .she's pregnant."

There. It's out. Into the resounding silence.

"What the fuck!" Emmett finally explodes. "You've only been separated for four fucking months, Edward! Now she's got a dude and a damn baby?" He shakes his head. "What. The. Fuck."

"He was tall, and sort of dark, like dark hair and skin. Maybe Native American. It was from a distance, but you can't miss a tall mother fucker like that. He hugged her, rubbed her belly. They were having dinner together." It all comes out in a rush, like air I've been holding in for too long.

"We'll find him, Ed. Find him and crush his stupid skull." Emmett pounds his fist into his palm. "Where were they? We need to figure out how to find him," he seethes. I'm sure the anger makes him feel more useful than my sorrow.

"I mean, she's moved on, you know? That's fine, I'm the one that filed for separation. I'm moving on, too. I don't care." Lies. I knew they were lies, bravado covering misery.

"I can't possibly roll my eyes any harder without hurting my brain." Rose's voice is sharp. Emmett and I both stop talking and look at her.

"Why, Rosie?" Emmett asks. "She's obviously shacking up with some dude, while Edward is still a fresh wound. Not even healed."

She ignores her husband. "What did you see, Edward?" I open my mouth, but she interrupts me with her hand up. "Specifically," she clarifies.

"I was across the street and down maybe half a block, waiting on a green light." I focus on breathing, in and out. "A guy, maybe in his eighties, offers a lady his table. I couldn't see the woman for a truck passing on the street." In. Out. In. Out. "I caught sight of her hair, and I knew it was her. I was thinking about going over, saying something. I was torn." In. Out. In. Out. "She was so beautiful," I whisper. My eyes squeeze shut as a tear escapes. "Her hair was blowing in the breeze, and she was wearing dark blue. Her cheeks had color in them, something she lost for a while at the end." My eyes snap open. "Then she stood up, waving at somebody. She had a pregnant belly." I hold my hand out to show Rose. "The tall guy walked to her, hugged her."

"Ok, wait. He hugged her?" I nod. "Did her arms go around him?"

I have to think about it. "Uh, no. She laughed a bit." I frown. "Come to think of it, she looked annoyed."

Rose nods. "Then what?"

"She said something, and he let go, but he ran his hand over her stomach." My hand shakes as I demonstrate. The nausea roils in my gut. "Rose," I say desperately.

She moves to the sink, grabbing a glass from the drain and filling it with water. She brings it back to me, and I gulp it.

"Sip it," she orders. "Edward, how did Bella react to his touch?"

I try to think around the whooshing noise in my brain. "I don't know, I had to grab a lamp post. And then, I um, I threw up." I feel embarrassed, but Rosalie just rubs my shoulder.

"You love her, Edward." A statement.

"No," I shake my head in futile denial.

"Yes. And think about it. I know you aren't so familiar with pregnancy, but if she's showing as much as you say, it isn't that guy's baby." Her eyebrow goes up again. She watches me, waiting.

I breath, in and out. In. Out. In. Out. In out in out in out inoutinoutinout, oh my God. My gaze shoots up to Rosalie's, and my eyes are wide as I hyperventilate. She rummages in the cupboard until she finds a paper bag, and hands it to me. I breathe into it, trying to concentrate on not passing out.

"Jesus, Edward! You're gonna be a dad!" Emmett has clued in. Clearly.

"I. . .just. . .need. . .to. . .catch. . .up," I pant.

Rose smiles. "You love her, Edward." She wraps her arms around me, and something about her slender arms and fragrant hair makes me think of Bella. She's right, of course, no matter how much I try to deny it.

"I don't know what to do," I say. I've been so focused on the anger, the agony of seeing her finally carrying a baby that wasn't mine. I haven't processed the idea that I am going to be a father, something Bella and I dreamed about for years now. "I left her, and she's pregnant and alone." I drop my head, shame washing over me.

"You didn't know she was pregnant, Edward. And I told you it was a stupid idea to leave her."
My head snaps up, and I know my eyes are blazing.

"That's very helpful now, Rosalie!" I snap.

"Hey, hey, hey, man. Don't talk to my wife like that. We're trying to help you." Emmett angles his shoulders so that Rose is behind him. She huffs and steps around him, leaning a hip against the counter and grabbing my face in her hands.

"Edward, you did what you thought was right. You were conditioned years ago to think you weren't good enough, but that wasn't the case this time. She just needed more help than any of us could give."

"Damn it, the separation papers!" I gasp as I realize she must have received them by now.

"You can cancel them, Edward. You need to decide what you want, and work for it. Don't give up this time, don't walk away. You are good enough." Rose rubs my shoulder. "You're going to be a dad, Edward. That's what's important, that and winning Bella back. I think you should send her a letter apologizing for leaving her, and that you really don't want to be separated. You can explain that you thought that you couldn't make her happy anymore, and that as hard as it was for you to leave, you did it for her. You can tell her that you still love her and want to be with her, but not at the expense of her happiness. You can tell her that you will give her as much time and space as she needs, but you're still here waiting for her. It wouldn't hurt to send her flowers every week, either. Not only will she know that you're thinking of her, but she'll be forced to think of you, too."

"Do you really think flowers will fix this?"

"Of course flowers alone won't fix it, but she's not ready to talk yet. It's just to remind her of what you have together, and that you'll be patient."

"I don't have the time to be patient, I'm going to be a father and I want our baby to have both of its parents."

I hear a squeal as little Vera comes running around the corner. She runs to Emmett first, and he bends and scoops her up. Emmett points to me. "Uncle E, see, Truvy?"

"Unca E!" she cries, leaning towards me. I take her from Emmett and snuggle her little body to mine. It is a remarkable feeling, when a young child loves you. They have unconditional feelings, and don't judge anyone as long as you're nice to them. It really sinks in as she rests her soft curls under my neck, playing with the top edge of my shirt; I'm going to have a child of my own soon.

Hope blooms like ink dripped in water, and I pray that I do the right thing.






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