I have to remind myself to breathe-
almost to remind my heart to beat!
Fall/Winter 2010
The bed was the only place to find me.
I did not want to eat.
I did not want to shower.
I did not want company; not my mother, not Esme, not Edward.
I wanted to drown in my sorrow, to die of it.
First my job. Then Siobhan. Then Mike found me.
Then eight and a half months of trying to get pregnant, and it was all over in less than three months.
They told me the baby was a boy.
They suggested I name him, create a memorial for him so I could grieve properly.
I didn't know there was a right and wrong way to grieve.
Edward would lie with me, for hours at a time. I thought at first he was napping, but found him watching me once when I rolled over.
I could not bear the anguish in his eyes.
He was acting strong for me.
I ruined him. I ruined my husband because my body betrayed me. The despair he tried to hide at the loss of our son was more than I could withstand.
When I finally got tired of myself and got out of bed a week later, I showered mechanically, dressed without thought, and headed down the hall to the stairs. I closed the door to the partially completed nursery on my way.
Edward was surprised to see me, my hair damp and hanging in my face. I was wearing a pair of sweats and an old shirt of his. I liked the way his shirt smelled; it comforted me.
He walked to me, wrapping his arms around me. I leaned into him, but did not cry.
I had cried enough, and simply had no more tears left.
"We're going to the specialist next week," I said hoarsely.
"We are?" he asked, surprise in his tone.
"I forgot to cancel the appointment when. . . They said we could come. So that's what we're going to do."
I felt him breathe in and out a handful of times. Neither one of us let go of the other.
"Okay," he finally said.
The specialist went over the results of the tests done on our baby. There was nothing wrong with him.
My body killed him for no reason.
We were set up for the full barrage of tests, and I knew they would find something wrong with me. Edward tried to assure me that it could easily be him, but I didn't think it was. He got me pregnant, and I lost the baby.
Maybe my uterus was inhospitable.
Maybe I was destined not to be a mother, to not have the ability to give Edward the baby I knew he wanted. So desperately.
I called my mother when we got home from the appointment. I wanted her comfort, for her to tell me how she got over her miscarriages. I wanted her to tell me it would all go away, that she had the magic cure. And why she'd had so much trouble.
She told me she never knew why she'd had problems getting pregnant and carrying to term; only time would make me feel better, and that the only true remedy for her was giving birth to me.
I knew she meant to help, but this made me feel worse.
Edward wanted to discuss other options. Surrogacy and adoption were terms I wasn't ready to hear.
Getting pregnant consumed my thoughts until I felt like a useless human. I was back to avoiding Rose and Emmett, Alice and Jasper. I couldn't seem to do anything but wander around the library, staring at the young mothers at story hour. Carmen insisted I take some time. She joked that I would be saving her money.
I didn't see Mike the two times I tried to go in, and I was extremely grateful for that small favor.
As far as Mike went, Edward told me that the college had emailed him the security footage from the parking garage. It clearly showed Mike harassing me, lurking near my truck until I showed up and trying more than once to touch me. After extensive interviews with other personnel, the conclusion was that Jessica Stanley and Mike had acted in collusion; in fact, at this very moment they were engaged to be married. Mike had apparently had several classes with me in college, and had always wanted to date me. He hated that I had never been interested in him; I didn't even remember him. Jessica's motivations were still blurry.
The pair of them were fired from the university, and the vice president offered me my job back.
I declined.
I couldn't even work for free at the library without acting like a zombie. There was no way I could go back to the University of Washington and help with admissions again.
I didn't know what to do with myself.
~~~oOo~~~
Christmas was coming up, and I heard Alice telling Rose that they had to put away the baby things they'd bought me for the holidays. They were all visiting; Edward was trying to dig me out of my funk.
I was heading to the kitchen for a drink when I heard them. I stood very still and very quiet, then turned and walked back to the sunroom without my drink. I did not want to dwell on the sadness that consumed me, not anymore. There was snow on the ground outside the window, which was framed with white fairy lights. I admitted to myself that it was lovely, and my eyes went to Edward sitting in an armchair by one of the windows. He was lovely as well, so I went to him and sat in his lap. He smiled sweetly at me, kissing my forehead and tangling our fingers together as we listened to Jasper strum on his guitar.
In an effort to bond with Edward- since I had been inside my own mind and absent from our marriage- I laid my head on his shoulder, kissing his neck. He tightened his grip on me, and I felt that he meant to show appreciation for my effort.
I suddenly couldn't wait for our guests to leave.
It had been two months since my miscarriage, and I had not been intimate with my husband in that time. I realized with a surge of lust that I desired him and that connection that we created when we were together alone. I traced the sharp edge of his jaw with my tongue, then moved to give attention to the shell of his ear.
"I want you to make love to me," I breathed in his ear, silent as the wind.
He squirmed in the chair, trying to adjust his pants, which only brought his hand to my ass. Which he cupped in one hand, kneading and fondling before grasping the blanket tossed over the back of the chair, settling it over the both of us. I couldn't see his face, only his jawline and up to one eye, but I saw the muscles working in that portion of his face. He slipped his hands free, one holding my hip to keep me in place on his lap, the other moving to the juncture of my pants. He stroked, and I held my breath to keep from whimpering.
Jasper transitioned into another song as Alice and Rose came in from the kitchen. I closed my eyes and inhaled the warm scent of Edward, something I'd missed without even realizing it. Now I craved it the same as I craved his flesh sliding against mine.
Emmett belted out the words to the carol Jasper played, and I listened to the ladies chime in. Rose held little Truvy and bounced her on her lap as she giggled.
Edward continued to stroke insistently between my legs. It was not going to get me off, but it certainly riled me up. I breathed deeply, allowing the pure scent of Edward to fill my lungs and cleanse my soul.
As soon as the door closed behind our beloved guests, Edward turned to me in the foyer. "Are you sure, love?" There was enough tender emotion in his face and his eyes that I swear my heart fell out of my chest and at his feet.
I nodded. "Remind me."
"Remind you?" he asked, his thumbs grazing my cheeks.
"Of how to live, how to breathe fully and be loved by you."
He picked me up, sweeping his arms under my legs and cradling me to his chest. I nestled my head over his heart, listening to its accelerated beating as he climbed the stairs and went into our bedroom. He set me on my feet, watching me as if unsure of where to begin. I was equally unsure, and simply started by pulling my sweatshirt off over my head, dragging down my yoga pants and yanking off my socks at the same time.
When I stood before him in a black sports bra and boy shorts, he stepped closer to me, his hands on my jaw as he leaned in for a kiss. He was tentative and slow, and that was good for me. I gripped his shirt in my hands, fisting them over his back. He broke away from our kiss, grasping a handful of his shirt from over his head, pulling it off and tossing it aside. He met me again for another kiss, and his bare chest felt wonderful under my palms. The smattering of wiry hair tickled, the strong, smooth planes enticed. I moaned as he deepened the kiss, using his hands to angle my head and plunging his tongue deeply into my mouth.
My legs rubbed together, trying to find the friction that was sure to give me release. I pushed at Edward's pants until they pooled at his knees, and he reached down and drug them off over his feet. My hands went to his boxers, stroking his hardness through the soft material. He was the one to moan as I touched and explored, and reacquainted myself with the feel of him.
His arms went around me, and he held me close for a brief second before stepping over to the bed and pulling me with him. I sat, looking up at him as he loomed over me. His gaze burned into mine, and I reached for him. He crawled up the bed on his knees, causing me to lean back and lay underneath him. His tongue explored my neck and collarbone, sucking and swirling and causing a warm flush to rise on my skin.
Shifting us, moving to line up side by side, we watched each other as hands roamed. I worked my bra over my head, sighing and gasping as his hands covered my breasts, kneading, tugging my nipples. Arching, breathing heavily, I worked on lowering his underwear. Pushing him onto his back, I lowered myself over his waist, using my mouth and tongue to make him writhe. When he grabbed my shoulders, I moved up the bed again, and he made quick work of my panties.
"Please, Edward. I just want you inside me," I stated breathlessly.
He smiled, hovering over my body, and I curled around him. Arms around his neck, legs around his waist. I urged him toward me, my head tilted back as I felt his cock at my entrance after such a long time.
"No begging, Bella." He inched his way in carefully, pressing his thumb to my clit and circling. "Don't ever beg."
"Ohhhh. . ." I moaned deeply as he slipped fully inside. My body readjusted slowly, discomfort moving into pleasure.
"Balls deep, Bella," he said in my ear as he pulled out and pushed all the way back in. "Do you feel that?"
I whimpered in response, too far gone to form words. I missed him, missed this. I needed the connection to him, for my soul to meet his in the most carnal way.
His gentle thrusts continued, his pace slow and measured. His thumb continued to circle slowly, and I felt my orgasm building deep in my pelvis. I arched again, and he kissed my nipple, sucking the bud into his hot mouth. His wet tongue swirled at the same pace as his thumb, and I felt myself come undone.
Moaning, calling his name and using the Lord's in vain, I fell apart beneath Edward. Deeply and thoroughly satisfied, I grasped his firm ass as he sped his movements, and when he exploded within me, he groaned and cursed, clenching his muscles and stilling his body.
We lay silently for several minutes, the only sound in the room our breathing as it slowed to normal. I enjoyed his weight covering me, and soaked up as much of the feeling as I could.
He finally turned his head from where it was buried in my neck, kissing my cheek before pushing up and looking down at me.
"I love you. I always will."
Tears came to my eyes. "I missed you," I whispered, admitting and apologizing simultaneously.
"I missed you, too. This was perfect," he said.
I didn't want to move, but needed to clean up. As if he heard my thoughts, Edward shifted and rolled off me, standing and offering his hand.
We spent the evening curled in front of the fireplace, eating a light dinner quietly together, just enjoying each other's company.
~~~oOo~~~
Looking back, I could see that I was obsessed with the timing of our sex life, now that we were trying again.
When my parents wanted to visit in January, I checked my ovulation calendar before agreeing on a time frame. I didn't want to sneak around with Edward during the most fertile time of my cycle.
Of course, he wanted to have sex whenever he was in the mood, and I wanted him to wait so as not to waste anything.
I felt a little unstable.
I set up the guest room for Mom and Dad, as we planned to spend one on one time together. I'd visited with my mom in September, but nothing more than holiday visits since then. It was becoming a tradition for them to visit in January, for Dad to take time off work and to settle in for a few weeks.
We had a dinner party with our friends, invited Carlisle and Esme, and explored our island community. Mom and I went to the library and chatted with Carmen; I had resumed volunteering after Christmas. Eleazar even stopped in when Carmen told him my mom was coming by. He was quite charming, and Renee loved a flirty man.
Charlie and Edward went fishing again, spent time with Carlisle hiking in the National Forest, and puttered around the house fixing things. They painted one of the bathrooms, installed new shelves in a closet, and put together a new bookcase for the sunroom as a surprise.
Mom and I made dinner together after the men labored over filling the bookcase, and we sat down in the dining room, watching the snowfall outside the windows. I didn't have everything, but in that moment it felt as though I did.
"Just wait until later, Charlie," my mom said suggestively.
"Later? For what?" I asked obliviously.
Charlie shook his head vehemently, his already ruddy complexion pinkening around his ears. "Don't ask, Bella, have you learned nothing in 25 years about your mother?" he said in a pained voice.
"I'm going to repay him for all that he's done around here to help you and Edward," Renee stated, very matter of fact. "You should do the same with your husband."
"Oh! Stop talking, Mom, geez," I muttered, embarrassed not to have caught on sooner.
Edward chuckled, but Dad was coughing. Renee smiled pleasantly at us. It never bothered her to talk openly about sex.
I sighed. Yeah, it felt pretty close to everything.
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