Another day in this carnival of souls
Another night settles in as quickly as it goes
The memories of shadows, ink on the page
And I can't seem to find my way home
And it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything
To keep me out
All the places I've been and things I've seen
A million stories that made up a million shattered dreams
The faces of people I'll never see again
And I can't seem to find my way home
Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down
Cause it's almost like
Your heaven's trying everything to keep me out
Your heaven's trying everything
Your heaven's trying everything to break me down
~ Five Finger Death Punch, Far From Home
June 2011
I agonized over my decision. I didn't tell a soul, couldn't admit what I was so ashamed of. I avoided my family and friends, afraid that my thoughts would be written on my face. I secluded myself for a week, not unaware that I was emulating Bella.
In that time, I begged Bella to talk to me, to call Alice, to leave the house for a walk. I made her food, putting it in front of her and pleading with her to eat. I called a mental health counselor, handed her the phone, and thought for sure she'd make the appointment out of courtesy. She merely stared balefully at the phone in my hand.
I resorted to yelling again, accusing her of being selfish. I asked if it occurred to her that I lost a baby, too. If she even realized that I never spent the time to think about it, because I was too worried for her. She resumed staring at the wall.
I cried.
I begged.
I screamed.
I gave up.
And I hardened my resolve.
~~~oOo~~~
I found myself yelling at her again, hoping she'd show some sign of emotion. She didn't; I was afraid she'd forgotten how. In the time where everything bad that could happen to her did, and she hid under her mask of indifference. I'd begged her to get help, I'd pleaded with her to talk to me about her pain. I'd squashed my own pain over the miscarriage to be brave for my wife; I had not given myself the room to grieve, for fear of making things worse for her. And now I'd become someone I didn't recognize, someone who changed himself for the benefit of another. Something I swore I'd never do again. So, I gave up yelling.
"I can't do this anymore." I was suddenly whispering. After the storm of shouting and accusations, this got her attention. Her eyes were dark, sad depths of mocha pools. How had I not noticed the pain consuming her features before?
"Do what?" she asked, her hoarse voice sounding confused. She frowned. I knew she hadn't heard a thing I'd been yelling at her.
"I can't live like this. I have to get away from here." I turned to the window, my hands pulling at my hair before scrubbing down my face. "I'm leaving." Sharp pain stabbed through my chest again as I finally said the words out loud.
"Okay," she said in a small voice.
I spun back to her, incredulous. "Okay? Did you not hear what I said, Bella? I'm leaving." I knelt in front of her, grasping her chin in an effort to get her attention, forcing her to meet my eyes. "I'm leaving you."
There was nothing but silence as I waited for her to respond. Finally, her eyes widened, and she stood abruptly. The chair fell over with a clatter, but I barely registered the noise. She dragged in uneven breaths, and her hands clutched my shirt frantically.
"You can't leave me, Edward!" Tears stung behind my eyes as her ragged breathing turned to gasps. The words were like glass shards pricking my skin, causing small painful cuts that would never heal.
I circled her wrists with my hands, prying them from my shirt. I held her hands briefly, then dropped them where they hung limply to her sides. I stared into her eyes, knowing there was no easy way to do this. She blinked rapidly. "I've tried everything, Bella. I don't know what to do for you anymore. I can't keep doing this one-sided."
I had to shut off the overwhelming emotions, the way I'd tried to do for months now. She was a stranger to me; that was the only way I'd make it out of the house.
"But you-you always swore you'd never leave me. It's in the vows, and-and I love you! I don't know what to do without you!" She sounded so pathetic, but I couldn't let it get to me. She had pushed me to this point without even being present enough to see what she was doing.
"I remember every time that I vowed not to leave you, Bella. The thing is, it's for your own good. You aren't happy anymore, and if I give you space, maybe you can find what does make you happy." I turned, dropping my head before I could relent and sweep her back into my arms. Neither of us was happy. This was the only way.
"I love you, Bella. I always will. It's clear now that I'm not enough." My voice broke over those words. Not since my ex had I felt so inadequate. I picked up the suitcase I'd packed in the middle of the night, unable to sleep. "I'll be at my parents' until I figure out what to do. If you need anything." I spoke very quietly with my back to her before heading for the door.
"I need you!" she shouted. Bella crashed into my back, catching me by surprise. I dropped the suitcase and spun around. She had already slid uselessly to the floor. "I can't live without you!" she screamed, tears pouring down her face. Seeing her there on the ground groveling felt like a thousand tiny arrows piercing my heart. I almost caved again.
Taking a deep breath and letting it whoosh out, I leaned down and helped her to stand. I kissed her gently on the forehead. That only brought on more tears, streaking down her face and neck. "I can't live with you. Not anymore." Hastily grabbing the suitcase again, I wrenched open the front door and strode out quickly, before I changed my mind.
I heard an excruciating, guttural sound of anguish, and it terrified me with its intensity. When I realized it was coming from Bella, I stopped on the sidewalk, fighting nausea and steeling myself to truly leave my wife.
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