Here I sit all alone like an airplane
On the edge of a sky full of solid grey
Staring at the ceiling, tell me that I'm dreaming
Oh, I wish you were here today
All these days that I know I'll never get back
All the words that I always wish you would've said
All these dreams that we had now fade to black
Try to wash it away
Here I float through the air like a waterfall
Then I sink to the bottom like a cannonball
Having trouble breathing, suddenly I'm screaming
Why wasn't I good enough?
Even though I know you're not coming back
I can't wash it away
I'm torn to pieces, I'm broken down
I still see your face when you're not around
I sit here in misery wondering if I'll ever be
Half the man you wanted me to be
It's tearing me to pieces
Tearing me to pieces
~Pop Evil, Torn To Pieces
November 2011
EPOV
Thanksgiving is a tough day for me, with Emmett, Rosalie, and Vera joining us in Forks at Mom and Dad's as usual. Jasper and Alice talk endlessly about their upcoming wedding, and I find it harder and harder to be excited for them. They talk about the seating chart, the guest list, and the DJ. I already know that Bella sent her RSVP, that she is coming alone. Alice and Jasper both wanted her to actually be in the wedding, but understood when she declined. I imagine being so pregnant had something to do with it, and being separated from the bride's brother would probably sway her decision as well. Esme agreed to stand in for her, and that seemed to be fine with Alice. The wedding was almost exactly two months away, so I just had to hold on to my sanity until then, when I could see Bella again.
I made a mistake filing for separation, but I still don't know for sure whether Bella really has moved on with this guy that I saw her with. She hasn't signed the papers, thank God. What the fuck do I do if she's moved on, and she's pregnant with my child? I watch Vera run around with Emmett, and I feel some comfort knowing that I made the effort with the letter I sent and the flowers I've had delivered every week. I made a point of searching for flowers with meaning so she would hopefully know what I was thinking when she received them. She sent a reply earlier in the month thanking me for the flowers, among other things. She asked for time, until the wedding to be exact, and appreciates me admitting that I saw her and that I know she's pregnant. She wants, needs, time to heal and to figure things out. I didn't mention the guy, and neither did she, but at least she included a sonogram picture.
Mom went all out with lunch, as she usually does. I came over early this year and helped, since there wasn't another family to visit. I miss the Swans, which causes my thoughts to constantly veer to Bella, and what she's doing. Is she having Thanksgiving with her new boyfriend? Are they with his family, or are they having their meal at my house, in my kitchen? Have they made it upstairs to the bedroom, to my bed? Is he touching her? Are they-
"Edward," Esme whispers. I turn and find her standing next to me, watching me. "It's okay to talk about it, you know. No one is tired of listening, no one will knock you for your feelings."
"I think that's true about you, Ma, not everyone." My mother, the patron saint of patience.
"Maybe. Do you want to talk?" She rubs her hand over my shoulder and down my back, soothing like she did when I was young.
"I don't know. I don't think I can articulate what I'm feeling anymore." I scrub my hand through my hair, frustrated as hell. "I mean, what could that guy have that I don't? Christ's sake, we're still married, can she really be moving on with someone else while I'm standing here like an ass?"
"Edward, I don't think she's moved on. Maybe she needed a friend after everything that happened." I know she's trying to empathize, but I just can't deal with it.
"I drove her to this, Mom. I left, and I filed for separation, and now she's happier than ever without me." I know I sound like a whiny little boy.
"No, Edward," Esme insists. "You are still her husband, and that means something to a soul like Bella's. She's waiting for you to come back to her, I guarantee it."
"Well, her letter didn't say she was through with me, so maybe you're right. Ugh, I'm sorry I'm terrible company." I scrub my face so hard it hurts.
I leave the kitchen, wandering to where Vera is standing at the french doors and babbling at her reflection. She draws people in with her sunny disposition, and it's hard to be unhappy around her. I want to soak up her sunshine as long as possible, like I can bank it and use it on another day.
I'm going to be a father soon. I'm working on how to win Bella back; hopefully my letters are enough to remind her that I'm waiting for her to heal and come back to me when she's ready. She really wants Alice's wedding to be our opportunity to talk in person. I'm afraid of what she'll say, honestly. If she tells me she's moved on, can I stand back and let her be happy? That would be the right thing to do, but I don't know if I can be that magnanimous.
I'm afraid I'd be more likely to cry and beg, to drop to my knees and crawl if I have to, to convince her to take me back.
I can't let another man raise my child, bottom line.
Vera turns to me, smiling widely and tottering over to me. I bend down and she tilts her face to mine, puckering her tiny mouth and planting it on my face. She misses my lips, kind of catching the corner of my mouth and mostly my cheek.
"Thank you, V. You're a sweet girl," I tell her as I smile at her.
"Unca E! Up, up!" She raises her hands up, and I stand and pick her up. She smacks at my cheeks with her hands, then uses them to turn my head to the room. "Mama." She waves her hands.
Rose sees us and comes over. "V, baby, what are you doing?" She smiles at her daughter.
Vera smiles back and bounces in my arms.
"You know she adores you." Rose runs her hand down Vera's curls. "You're going to be a great dad, Edward."
She doesn't look directly at me, looking instead at Vera. I understand why, and where she's coming from with her statement. She wants me to bash down the door to my house and ravish my wife, convince her to let me come back. She's mentioned groveling once or two hundred times.
"Thanks, Rose." I'm just trying not to blubber like a baby.
Emmett comes over, pecking Rose on the cheek, then leaning into Vera and blowing a raspberry kiss on her cheek. She squeals and bounces in my arms some more. "Rosie, do you want me to put Truvy down in the guest room for her nap?" he asks.
"Yeah, thanks, babe," she answers with a smile.
I hand over the little cherub-like toddler, and Emmett claps his hand on my shoulder as he walks away with her.
"You proved me wrong in the beginning, Edward. I was so scared you'd fall into another trap, the way you did with Tanya. She was poison, detrimental to your mental health, so I didn't trust you to know your heart and mind with Bella." She puts her hands on my face, looking me right in the eyes.
"I was wrong."
I knew she felt that way, but to hear her say it out loud meant more than she even knew. I blink back tears.
"I've told Bella I was wrong, and apologized. I mean, besides the Christmas before you were married. It was during her depression, when I refused to leave regardless of her fit. I think I got through to her a little, but I don't know if she remembers. I just want you to know that I'm rooting for the two of you. "
"You've always done so much for me Rose; I've always thought of you as a second sister."
"And that's part of my point. You've surrounded yourself with your family and friends-"
"Who are also family," I interrupt.
"And Bella doesn't have any family left. If she made a friend, I don't begrudge her that. It takes help to work through tough times. It's okay that she finally remembered that."
"I know you're right, I just wish she'd made friends with a woman. Or an ugly dude." I grimace, picturing the tall American Indian I saw her with. Maybe she's spending time with Carmen, too. A guy can hope.
"Are you really waiting until the wedding to talk to her?" Rose asks.
I nod. "It'll be neutral territory, and it's what she asked for. Her RSVP didn't mention a plus one." I run my hand through my hair, pulling. "I couldn't take it if I went to the house and that guy was there, I don't care if they are friends or whatever. She hasn't responded to any of my calls, just the letter."
"Okay. It's about two more months away, you gonna make it?" she asks with concern in her voice.
"I don't have a choice, do I?" I say, letting Rosalie wrap me in a tight hug.
I spend the rest of the day with my family, trying to remember who I am as just Edward. I have to be strong enough to not lose myself again if something goes wrong in my life. I have to know that I can't run from Bella, even if she falls back into depression. She says she's seeking professional help, and that's definitely what's best. I don't know if this was only caused by the horrible series of events, or her need to stay strong. She was stronger than she knew, taking everything on without letting me share the load. Aside from that, I need to work on my confidence, so that I know that we can overcome anything.
We each have to be strong individually, to work properly as a team. I'm almost to that point on my own, and hope that she has done the same. I need to have a long conversation with her at the wedding. Two more months, including the Christmas holiday, before I see my wife, my Bella, again.
And then I hope to rush home with her and spend the rest of our lives together, the way I always intended.
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