I have done it again
I have been here many times before
Hurt myself again today
And the worst part is there's no one else to blame
I have lost myself again
Lost myself and I am nowhere to be found,
Yeah, I think that I might break
Lost myself again and I feel unsafe
Be my friend
Hold me, wrap me up
Unfold me
I am small and needy
Warm me up
And breathe me
~ Sia, Breathe Me
June 2009
I was so far behind with everything in my life, I just wasn't sure when it would ever smooth out. Work was so busy it was ridiculous; I was wavering over the idea of working weekends just to catch up. Edward's birthday was coming up, and I had zero time to plan anything. I'd enlisted the help of Jasper and Alice, but I hated the fact that I couldn't do something so simple for my new husband. The worst of all was that Edward had decided we should buy a house. I didn't disagree, but I didn't have time for that. All I wanted to do on the weekends was sleep, and instead we were going to look at houses.
"Don't worry, love, we'll figure it all out," Edward assured me as he drove us to the house he wanted me to see. "I've been to this one, and if you love it, I'll take care of it all."
I nodded, too distracted to really pay attention. Mike was so bad at work, I was thinking I really would have to report him to HR. It was constantly on my mind, so much so that I tuned out most of what my husband was telling me.
"Bella? Did you hear me?"
I turned in his direction; of course I hadn't heard him. "I'm sorry, what?" I scrubbed my hands over my face, trying to feel awake and alert.
"I asked if you wanted to stop for a coffee on the way?" He looked so concerned for me, the guilt weighed heavier.
"Yes, that'd be great." I smiled, and hoped it looked genuine. He was always so thoughtful.
After hitting up a drive through coffee place, we drove a little while until we passed a sign that said we were taking the bridge for Mercer Island. I'd never been there, being a small town girl from Forks, but I was under the impression it was upscale. When the I-90 bridge crossed onto the island, I sat up straighter in my seat, looking around. It had only taken about 20 minutes from the loft to get here, and it looked like a lovely community.
Edward turned down a tree-lined street, and I immediately thought of his parents' home. The houses were set far apart, and some you couldn't even see from the road. He pulled into a driveway, where I could just make out a stone house from the road. It looked exactly like it belonged there; as though it had simply sprouted up from the ground. The lawn was impossibly green and lush, the trees verdant and well-maintained.
I jumped out of the Volvo before he'd even turned off the ignition, eager to see the house more closely. I heard him chuckle as he slammed his door, and he came to stand beside me.
"You like it," he stated, and I could hear triumph and relief in his voice.
"Very much," I smiled at him.
We headed up the front walk hand in hand, and Edward put the code into the lock box, sliding the key out and unlocking the front door. I stood there for a moment, looking at the bay window with it's copper roof, the hedges lining the walkway, and the columns in front of the entrance. When we stepped inside, I looked around at the foyer. The ceilings were very high, the walls a pale caramel with white trim. There was a staircase to my left, and a room to my right, with plenty of windows to let the light in. I turned into the living room, where the walls were painted yellow, and there was furniture staged to show how perfect you could set it up around the fireplace.
"The kitchen is this way," Edward said from behind me, leading me past the stairs and to the back of the first floor. I stopped, looking around in amazement. The whole kitchen was done in warm wood with a massive island and marble countertops. There was a family room adjacent to the kitchen that had its own stone fireplace, and even a piano to show Edward could have his brought here. I looked back to Edward.
"I don't even need to see the rest. If the upstairs is half as perfect as the downstairs, I'm sold."
He grinned at me, in that way he had with only half his mouth turned up. "I had a feeling you'd like it. Do you want to see the backyard?"
"Okay," I answered as he led me to the back door. The patio was set up like an outdoor kitchen and seating area. The yard went on for what seemed to be forever, only ending in dense trees.
"This is the one, don't you think? I don't even need to see anything else." I wrapped my arms around Edward, burying my face in his shirt.
"I was hoping you'd say that." He stroked my hair down my back. "I put a bid on it."
I stilled. He what now? "You did?"
"Ah. . .yes. I hope. . .I hope that's okay."
He sounded so unsure that I decided to let him off the hook. "Well, that's good. I'm too tired to house shop and worry about buying a damn thing."
He laughed, sounding relieved. "Wonderful. I'm going to set up movers to take care of everything. Do you want to shop for furniture, or. . .?"
"Alice," we said at the same time.
"She'll be thrilled."
~~~oOo~~~
I went back to work on Monday, feeling somewhat refreshed. I'd spent most of Sunday sleeping to try to recoup from the week. Unfortunately, Mike was standing at my desk when I arrived, even though I was fifteen minutes early.
"I was wondering when you'd get here," he said unpleasantly. He looked me up and down, his eyes lingering over my breasts. I refused to hunch over or adjust my blouse.
"As it happens, I'm early, so why were you wondering?" I answered sharply.
"Hmm, such a smart mouth. I know how you could make better use of it." I stopped moving altogether, my purse dangling from my elbow as I stood there in shock. Had he really just said that?
"I-I'm-I need to get started. Did you need something?" I grit my teeth as I realized what I'd said. Hoping he wasn't about to twist my words, I looked directly at him and dropped my purse in my seat.
He laughed, and I shuddered. "Yes, I need something, but we're at work, so. . ." He took a step closer, and I backed up until my butt hit the edge of my desk. "What do you do on the weekends?" That was not where I thought this conversation was leading.
"I don't-don't see how that's relevant." My voice was shaking, and I hated myself for it.
"Just wondering if you're managing to keep your new husband happy." His lips curled, and I swallowed back the lump that had risen in my throat.
"I need to work," I whispered, terribly uncomfortable.
"Yes, well. I just wanted to stop by, as your boss, to say good morning." He finally stepped back. "Now you can get to work."
I watched him walk away, disappearing into his office and closing the door. My knees were trembling, so I yanked my purse up and dropped into my chair. I tried to take deep breaths, but my heart was pounding harshly in my chest. I pushed my hand into my hair, then opened my drawer, stowing my purse and then flipping on my computer. I just needed to start working, so that I could forget about whatever he'd been insinuating.
When lunchtime rolled around, I heard Mike's office door open, and I glanced over my shoulder as he walked down the hall to the bank of elevators. I sat back in my chair, rolling my tense neck. A hand landed on my shoulder, and I jumped and spun around in my chair.
"Sweet Jesus, Jasper! You scared me to death." I had to put my hand over my heart to make sure it hard started beating again.
"Why's that?" he asked in his drawl, eyebrow quirked up.
"I thought everyone had left, that's all." I looked up to his eyes as he towered over me. He squatted by my chair so I didn't have to crane my neck.
"I wanted to know if you're up for lunch, since your system is goin' to start updatin' any minute."
I groaned. "I forgot about that," I said.
"Oh. You got this month's calendar, dint'cha?" He was frowning, likely worried that he'd forgotten to send it to me.
"Yeah, I'm just so busy and distracted these days." I sighed. "Actually, I would love to get out of this building."
We didn't go far, just walked down the street to a cafe. I think I yawned more than I spoke, and finally Jasper stopped talking and just looked me over.
"What the hell is goin' on, Sunshine?" I opened my mouth, but he interrupted me. "And don't you dare say nothin'."
He knew me too well. "It's just work. It really sucks." I downed some more coffee, my drink of choice morning, noon, and night.
"Have you talked to Edward about it?" I caught the subtle warning edge to his voice.
"Of course," I answered defensively. "It just hasn't gotten better like I thought it would. I was positive I could handle it, but. . ."
"But what, B?" He frowned in concern.
"Nothing, I'm overreacting because I'm tired. We've got the house we're buying, and furniture to pick, and Edward's birthday that I don't have the time or energy to plan." I rubbed my temples, overwhelmed just thinking about all of it.
"Alice is all over the furniture and girly shit for your house. And I believe she and Esme have the birthday party handled as well. Don't stress yourself out, Sunshine."
"Easier said than done. You know I'm just shy of a control freak when it comes to myself."
"Yeah, that need to be perfect should really be put on the back burner. Stop tryin' to kill yourself. No one expects perfection from you, but you." He put his large, warm hand over mine on the table. "Give yourself a break, let your friends help."
"I know you're right, I just have to let go." I sighed. "Are you ready to head back?"
We gathered our stuff and headed back to the office. The rest of the afternoon dragged by, especially since it was almost 6:30 when I finally shut down my computer. The software update made the input process a bit easier, and I reminded myself to thank Jasper. I was so engrossed in this thought that I made it all the way to my ancient truck before I realized there was someone standing by it's door. I stopped short, a gasp escaping me and my heart in my throat. I blinked a few times, my hand on my chest as I recognized the idiot standing there in the semi-dark.
"Mike? What in the world are you doing here? I thought you left a long time ago."
He was leaning casually against the driver's door as though it belonged to him. "I did, but I was talking with someone, and they just left. I noticed your, uh. . .vehicle still here."
"Well, okay, but it's time to go now." For me and for him.
"Yeah," he said, but made no move to leave. I raised an eyebrow at him. "I was wondering something." He stepped away finally, but came closer to me. I tried to circle so that I was the one by the door to my truck.
"What were you wondering, Mike?" I asked wearily. I was so tired of him, but I was trying to keep my job.
"What do you do all by yourself when you're here so late?" He stepped closer again, and it felt like he was stalking me.
"I work, Mike. What do you think I do?" The edge to my voice was sounding like hysteria.
"Well, you're all alone. All by yourself. In a dark parking garage."
The tone of his voice sent chills all over my skin, and I hugged my arms around me. "I'm just trying to meet my deadlines. Nothing about this building or this garage have ever made me feel unsafe." Until now, I add silently.
"It should," he said mildly, but it still made a pit form in my stomach.
"And why's that?" I asked, sounding braver than I actually felt.
"Because there are. . .others. . .that stay late. You just think you're alone."
"Okay, as much fun as this has been, I would like to go home and get some dinner." My hands were trembling, so I clenched them under my armpits so he wouldn't see.
He laughed, and it sounded like roaches skittering away when the light is flipped on. "Sure, Bella, go get you some." He walked away, whistling. I scrambled to unlock my truck door, tripping as I tried to jump in, and finally slammed the door hard enough to make the frame rattle. I smashed my trembling hand down on the lock, turning the key in the ignition and feeling a small amount of comfort at the loud roar of the engine.
When I got home, I barely stepped inside the door before dropping my bag and starting to strip. Ignoring Edward calling my name, I left a trail as I headed to the bathroom, grateful that it was so close to the front door. I made it to the shower before he came in and found me.
"Bella?" he asked with concern.
"I just really want a shower," I mumbled. "Long day." I let the water reach scalding before stepping in, and the heat stung as it hit my shoulders and head. I let it run over my face and down my front, finally reaching for my soap. When I felt sufficiently clean, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. I stopped short when I saw Edward sitting on the bathroom counter.
"Better?" he asked, handing me a towel. I dried off vigorously, scrubbing at my skin until it was red. I was not surprised when Edward jumped down from the counter and came to stand in front of me. He tilted my face to his. "Bella, if it's that bad, it's time to report him." He said it quietly, but with conviction. I knew he was right.
"I just want to sleep," I whispered. He gathered me up and walked down the hall with me, laying me gently down on our bed. He crawled in with me, pulling my back to his chest and holding me tightly. I fell asleep, finally not worrying about anything.
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