“What the fuck, Seth?” I mumble. He knows I don’t like being disturbed.
“We have an appointment at the funeral home. Mom asked me to come and get you, because she’s still getting dressed.”
I sit up and look at him, and the pain lances through my chest again. I have a memorial to plan.
“Jesus, you look like a zombie,” he observes.
I lay back down and roll away from him. “Not funny,” I mumble.
“Sorry. The Cullens will be here any minute, and no offense, but you need a shower.”
I don’t move, but I can’t contain the sob that erupts. I don’t want to get up and get a shower. I don’t want to face the entire Cullen clan, including Emmett. Yeah, my dad sang like a bird when he was arrested in hopes of a deal. Emmett was released from jail, I think yesterday or maybe the day before. He’s been getting to know Mallie.
Looks like he gets to be her dad after all.
I can’t do this. I can’t do this. I can’t do this!
I hear the door open and close, and I hope that they’ll just leave me alone. I want nothing more than to go back to sleep and forget. The bed sinks near my head and I open one eye halfway.
Sighing, I open them fully and sit up. “Alice.”
“Bella.” Her hair isn’t as long as I remember it. It’s in a cute shoulder length cut, which suits her face. She looks grown up, of course, from the baby sister I’m used to picturing her as. Her eyes and nose are red and puffy, and her big blue eyes tear up as she leans over and hugs me.
“I’m not exactly up for company,” I tell her. My voice is hoarse, sounding ancient to my ears.
“I know. I wanted to help you get dressed.” The tears that were building up spill over. “It’s so hard,” she wails, but I don’t have it in me to comfort her. I should, I know. She lost her brother, whereas I lost the guy that I loved but wasn’t in a relationship with. He wasn’t even my boyfriend.
“I’m sorry, Alice.” It sounds false, the words falling flat onto the bedspread between us.
She wipes her hand across her face and sniffs. “You know, he would want you to be happy. He would want you in our lives; in Mallie’s and Emmett’s and mine. He would want your heart to go on, to love someone else.”
“This isn’t a hollywood movie, and I’m not going to go out there and meet Mr. Second Choice.” I don’t particularly care how mean or bitter I sound.
“Well. I’ll leave you alone, just please get ready to come with us. It’s important that we have your opinion on the arrangements.”
I sigh heavily, scrubbing my eyes roughly. She gets up and leaves the room, smiling softly as she closes the door behind herself. I finally get up, take a quick shower and pull my hair into a ponytail. I throw on a pair of sweats and a t-shirt, topping it with a sweatshirt. I’m constantly cold, no matter how many layers I apply.
I head out to the kitchen once I’ve put my shoes on. They’re all here. Mr. and Mrs. Cullen, Emmett holding Malone, Alice and Jasper. Sue, Harry, Seth. Leah is in jail, but the latest I heard is that she may be released if she spills the remaining information they need to take out the rest of the Port Angeles gang. The older adults are at the table drinking coffee, while the others play around with Mallie.
All conversation comes to a stop when they spot me, standing awkwardly off to the side. Malone is the only one to pipe up. “Bella!”
So, I’ve spent time with her in the past few days, Edward’s little girl. She and I have this… bond. It’s as if she’s known me all along, and she and I understand each other on a deeper level. It just makes everything harder, to think that I could’ve been her stepmom. Instead I’m just Bella, although her pronunciation makes it sound more like there’s a w or two in my name.
“Hey, little M.” She giggles at me, but all I can offer her is a wan smile in return.
It takes several cars to get us out of there; Sue is only coming to support me. Harry and Seth are staying behind to cook for everyone. Jasper is there to support Alice, and doesn’t really provide any input. I can’t seem to say anything other than fine when I’m asked what I think. It’s an endless parade of flowers, songs, and prayers. Every word and color and second of the memorial has to be picked out and planned out, until I want to run as fast and as far as I can. There’s no coffin, because there’s nothing to put in it. There’s just… nothing.
“I need some air,” I blurt as I scrape my chair back, the sound as harsh as my breathing. I stumble half blind out the front door of the funeral parlor, stopping outside with my hands on my knees as I drag air into my constricted lungs. I feel a hand on my back, but I can’t look up. I can’t see for the tears blinding me anyway.
“He loved you, Bella.” The voice is deep, warmer than I deserve it to be.
“He loved you more, Emmett.” My voice must be permanently hoarse.
“Nah. He loved me like a brother, but I firmly believe romantic love is different. It’s stronger. And the two of you had a crazy-strong bond. Even through the years that he wanted to hate you, I could tell he didn’t.”
I straighten and look him in the eyes, having to crane my neck to do it. “I’m sorry,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I put you in jail, I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to defy Charlie and Jake. I’m sorry that I tried to get you released and only made it worse.” The tears burst free again, my heart so heavy it clenches in my chest. “I’m so, so sorry I got your brother killed.”
I walk back inside to avoid his reassurances. The rest of our time here is a blur, and so is the remainder of the evening. I go to bed without eating, curling up in the bed fully dressed under three quilts, just trying to find some warmth. But I know my warmth is gone, and I will always feel cold. I spend the next day in bed, refusing to speak to anyone that comes in. The service is tomorrow, and I can’t stand being around their platitudes and words of comfort. I know I’m taking this harder than they are, but I can’t help myself. We had a whole future in front of us, and now we never will. They each still have a future, albeit without Edward, but he took my future with him when he died.
I get up early the next morning with no prompting, pulling on a black dress and a black sweater. I go into Sue’s kitchen and pour a bowl of cereal, sitting alone at the kitchen table. I don’t hear anyone else, but it’s possible they’re in their rooms getting ready. I eat without tasting it, washing and drying my bowl when I’m finished. I sit on the couch, my hands twisting in my lap and my eyes unfocused. I try hard to empty my brain, not thinking of what’s to come or what was. I try to think of white clouds and blue sky, and nothing more significant than that.
Now I hear the others; they move around me as they get ready, possibly speaking to me. I hear the doorbell ring, and people arriving. Someone sits next to me, but I don’t move or otherwise acknowledge them. I hear Sue say it’s time to go, but I stand and walk up to Emmett, asking if I can ride with them. There's something about Emmett and Jasper’s quiet strength that I need to draw from today. He agrees immediately, and I climb into the backseat, staring out the window the entire drive.
The funeral home is another blur, with swirling colors and garbled noises. We make our way to the front and take our seats; Sue and Harry, Esme with Mallie and Carlisle in the front row, Alice, Jasper, and Emmett in the second row with me. I’ve refused to visit with anyone, but Angela and Ben came because the Cullens called them and told them about the service. The only time I put my foot down was when the Cullens wanted to invite everybody in town. They were allowed to invite their bank employees, since they’d closed it for the day, and the agents from the Seattle office. It’s pretty empty, but I’ll be damned if the same people that watched Jacob take me off the street attend Edward’s funeral.
It hits me so suddenly that I’m not prepared for it, and it’s a good thing I’m already seated. My void, my empty comfort zone, has collapsed, and the pain crashes over me. I clutch my stomach, doubling over with the blow, and the most inhuman wail forces its way out from the depths of my guts. Wave after wave hits me, and I cry out loudly as the tears course down my face.
Emmett turns to me, enveloping me in his large embrace. There’s a modicum of safety there, but I’ve still come to the complete and utter realization that Edward is not coming back to me. I'll never look at Edward's face again, or hear his husky voice speak my name. I’ll never get the chance to share in his dreams. There are no dreams left for me. No hope. No love.
Edward!!! Come back!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteIt's like you're channeling Bella!
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